Cuts, Scratches, and Rashes

Despite the many soothing properties of this non-psychoactive hemp-derived compound, CBD (or Cannabidiol) has calming qualities that may reduce mental distress, but it does not help with physical ailments. See a doctor for these instead.

Depression: Seasonal or Otherwise

CBD has not been proven to relieve depression, however it can potentially reduce mild symptoms of anxiety or stress. If you have a history of clinical depression, or are simply bummed day in and day out during winter, seek out a psychotherapist instead.

Looked Into the Blinds, Now Stripes Imprinted in Your Eyes

So you looked at the blinds on your window for a second too long and now stripes are imprinted in your eyes every time you close them. CBD can’t help with this, so please avoid the temptation to pour CBD oil into your soul-windows.

Discount Not Applied By Cashier

The cashier with the long turquoise fingernails did not apply the discount (two cartons of blackberries for $5) and is chatting loudly with the cashier behind her about their plans for dancing. You are overwhelmed with social awkwardness, the thought of speaking up and potentially causing a conflict in front of all these people raises your body temperature an unnatural amount. CBD won’t help with any of this.

Dead Spider in the Hole

You’d think pouring CBD into the hole might magically get rid of this problem, but nope, you’ve got to face your fears, put on a glove, and make the removal yourself. Not a terrible idea, though. Nice try.

Climate Change

CBD has no effect on the fossil fuel companies that release millions of metric tons of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere annually, thus being the leading contributors to climate change. CBD could potentially quell your climate-related anxieties for a moment, but this varies person to person.

The Creeping Realization That You’re Nowhere Near The Goals You Thought You’d Have Achieved By Now

CBD can’t hold your hand through this one. Face it: you’re older now than ever before, and that’s truer every day. You’re working a dead-end job, and you have no idea how to pivot into something more rewarding, like urban farming. Maybe it’s time to make a bold choice for once, risk it all so you can finally feel alive? Try psychotherapy for this one too.

You Were Halfway Through Ordering Your Sandwich When You Remembered About Space

Okay, so listen. You waited in a tempered lunch line, hangry with desire for a crunchy Ciabatta sandwich with all the fixings. Then, as you were listing the greens you would and would not like to the sandwich artist, you suddenly remembered about space. Right, there’s a black and infinite void that exists inexplicably and you are but the smallest, least significant part of it. It doesn’t matter what sandwich you get today, or tomorrow, or on Thursday. You’re fucked.

Sorry—can I have fries with this meal? Thanks.

You Broke Your Knee Running Down Stairs Instead of Taking Elevator, In Attempt to Meet Step Goal While Retrieving Hot Meal From Delivery Man

Ouch! CBD can’t help with physical ailments, remember? See a doctor for that.


CBD can help with this. Try gummies.

In all seriousness, there are a lot of CBD scams out there and lots of ways companies get you to hand over their money. Avoid any companies that think they can cure every illness, fix climate change, and remember about space halfway through your sandwich.