Weekly funny lists for readers on the go. Quizzes
She was slathered, head to toe, in Russian dressing, and I was ready to eat at Moscow’s most exclusive restaurant: Flavortown.
Was that something you overheard on your Zoom call this week, or from the radio in the kitchen? Hard to tell, but lit regardless.
Your own teeth, pulsed a few times in the Cuisinart. / Tiny blue gravel from the fish tank you haven’t cleaned out since your guppy, Lucy, died.
You were so busy pretending to be a British royal, you didn't even notice that your wife and kids left you and that she changed the Netflix password on her way out.
You approach a crying person and ask what’s the matter. They say, “Nothing.” Seconds later that person is interacting jovially with a colleague.
Your parents’ casual acquaintances, who they always promise to make plans with but never do. Your parents’ parents, if they’re like, still around.
A drive-in movie theater in the sky – Danny and Sandy already went to a drive-in movie on land, so it only makes sense.
Item Removal Charge: 660 million expired, room temperature vaccine doses. Attached note: “SEND BACK. Already had virus!”
Carrie’s new side hustle is: A) Monetizing her signature monologues with a TED Talk! B) Renting out rooms in her apartment on Airbnb.
Beaver Tail Cactus (Opuntia basilaris) – You act a lot tougher than you are, and long for someone to see through your faux exterior.
There is a half-eaten sub sandwich on the ground. It looks like it has been there for some time. / You're here because you wanted to go "green."
Pt. Jack Sprat re-check of cholesterol ratio and general lipid panel. Wife, however, doing poorly on Nutrisystem and needs to eat leaner.