“The stories of Thomas the Israelite, the Philosopher, concerning the works of the Childhood of the Lord.”

The Apocryphal New Testament (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1924)

1. This little child when he was five years old was playing at the ford of a brook: and he gathered together the waters that flowed there into mud: and he soiled the clean garment which was upon him. And there were many other little children playing with him: and he soiled them also. And it was the Sabbath when he did this.

2. And when [the father] saw that the child had so done, he arose and took hold upon his ear and wrung it sore. And the young child was wroth and said unto him: Verily thou hast done unwisely: vex me not.

3. Now his mother sendeth him to draw water and bear it into the house, and gave him a pitcher: but he struck it and the pitcher was broken. But he spread out the garment which was upon him and filled it with water and brought it to his mother. And when his mother saw what was done she kissed him.

4. After that his mother asketh him to get milk for he hath complained of thirst: but he drew in mischief a bottle of Sonoma Coast Chardonnay that she loved dearly and was chilling for that very eve: and he shattered it upon the kitchen floor. And when his mother saw what was done she said nothing: and she thought I am not able at this present hour to look him in the face.

5. Now his father was a carpenter and there was required of him a bed by a certain rich man, that he should make it for him. And whereas one beam was too short and he knew not what to do, the young child took hold upon the shorter beam and stretched it and made it equal with the other. And his father saw it and marvelled: and he embraced the young child.

6. Verily his father hath squandered much wealth on a liberal arts degree at a small East Coast school. And when the people saw in his house such and so many boxes of an Ikea SVÄRTA Bunk Bed Frame, they were amazed: for the frame parts were many and they all looked alike. And straightaway the young child took hold of a bag of plastic cam-lock nuts (part #120076) and flung it out the window: and he laughed greatly. And when his father saw what was done, he was wroth and said to them that were there: Woe is me, wretch that I am, I am confounded.

7. And [the young child] increased in wisdom and stature and grace.

My Preschooler: 1, 4, 6
Jesus: 2, 3, 5, 7