“A penny saved is a penny earned.”
—Mark Twain

“Sex is like money: only too much is enough.”
—Marcus Twain

“Politicians and diapers need to be changed often, for the same reason: because they fuckin' shit themselves. Hahaha.”
—Mark Train

“If Huck Finn is so strong, why not make the whole plane out of Huck Finn?

“Life is a tragedy to those who think, and a comedy to those who watch thinkers get kicked in the balls.”
—Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)

“A modern day warrior, mean mean stride, today's Tom Sawyer, mean mean pride.”
—Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)

“You miss 100% of the shots you don't make.”
—Mark Twain

“Is Ringo the best drummer in the world? Ringo isn't even the best drummer in The Beatles.”
—Mark Twain

“How smart can this so-called Smartwater be if it allowed itself to get trapped in a bottle like that?”
—The Twainster (that's what his friends call him)

“I used to write satire like it was my job. Because it was my job. I am Mark Twain.”
—Mark Twain

“My momma always said life was like a bag of bugs. Sometimes it all just spills on out and you don't know what ya got.”
—Mark Twain

“Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow”
—Mark Twain Wait Actually Even I Know That's the Meow Mix Jingle

“The fire alarm? I hardly know ‘er alarm! OH THE FLAMES THE HURT”
—Mark Twain's Final Words