Remember to breathe. Always breathe. You can’t be a mindful evil telepathic mutant without breathing.

Don’t dwell on the minds you’ve violated in the past or plan to violate in the future. Focus on the minds you’re violating in the present.

A sense of humor is important. While eavesdropping on a stranger’s most private and embarrassing thoughts, take a moment to enjoy how funny they are.

It’s OK to let your mind wander. Not every moment of the day has to be productive. A few minutes of aimless, judgement-free mental wandering can help you collect yourself and social security numbers.

We live in a world of distractions. Try spending less time staring at your phone and more time staring at the sex memories of strangers.

Instead of getting frustrated when waiting in line, use the time to peacefully force the people ahead of you to flee because they think they’re on fire. Then remain centered in the chaos by robbing the store.

Never beat yourself up for feeling impatient. Just take a deep breath, accept your imperfections, and instruct a coworker to beat himself up, perhaps with a stapler.

Don’t focus on the negative voice in your head just because it’s coming from a friend. Perform a virtual lobotomy on the troll and move on.

Mediation helps you exercise your mental muscles. Find a meditation mantra that is soothing when spoken aloud by complete strangers you operate like sock puppets.

Careers are a stressor for everyone, so look for ways to become more mindful at work. Just one moment of compelling the CEO to sign the company’s assets over to you can really pay off.

Stop worrying about whether your friends and family truly love you, just because you forced them to love you with your mutant powers. You deserve to be loved. Show some self-compassion.

Self-care is important too, and it’s different for everyone. Maybe you need to go to a bookstore, get a manicure, pet a dog, or build an army of mind-controlled slaves.

Be patient with yourself. Don’t try to control all humanity in one day. Exert your will over the fragile human race’s puny minds one city at a time.

As you tighten your mental grip on all humanity, becoming the most powerful person in history and undisputed ruler of Earth, remember to breathe. Always breathe.


And now a quick joke...

“You’re the one,” he always said to his wife. “You’re the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn’t very good.