My slap bracelet from Cornell.

My Nalgene water bottle with BPA from Dartmouth.

My 1/4 zip pullover from UPenn, only because the zipper got caught when I was trying to unzip it in front of you.

My keychain that says, “Your Dad went to Stanford.”

My used highlighter from Columbia’s summer enrichment program.

My Princeton hoodie, whose drawstrings are connected to my arms, so if you pull them you can turn me into your personal puppet.

My “Night Crew #9” walkie-talkie from Yale’s campus security.

My hairnet from Duke’s dining hall.

My MIT sunglasses with zero UV protection.

My backpack from NYU’s Random Middle Eastern Campus.

My Oxford keychain that carries keys embossed with, “Do Duplicate,” because safety is not something I am worthy of.

My UChicago lanyard that gave me rug burn.

My headband made with 100% recycled material… cool, right? Wrong. Now that I see you went to Brown, I connect the dots. Remember when you wet the bed as a teenager, and instead of your mom making a big deal of it she discreetly threw out the sheets and never shamed you for it? Well that Egyptian Cotton got recycled and now you’re looking at the guy who’s wearing your teenage piss on his forehead… from Cal Tech.

An ear infection from Harvard’s John F. Kennedy School of Government.


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