Day 1 – Breaded Chicken Breast with Roasted Asparagus and Sweet Potato Mash!
Pan fry chicken. Roast asparagus in 400°F oven for 12-15 minutes. Boil sweet potatoes until tender, add to stand mixer with grass-fed butter. Whip until smooth. Season with Maldon salt flakes and four grinds of black pepper. Yum!
Day 3 – TexMex Wonton Surprise!
Take your fav wontons and pop them in the oven. Chop red cabbage, onion, poblano and jalapeño peppers to sauté. Sprinkle cooked veggies over top, along with queso fresco, cilantro, and peach salsa. Qué bueno!
Day 8 – Double Decker Pizza Bus!
Mama Mia! Take last two frozen pizzas, cook each separately over toaster. Place one atop the other and serve to your hungry guests immediately!
Day 14 – Beans, Beans, Beans Salad!
Take cans of kidney, garbanzo, and navy beans down to the river. Pry open with nearby rock. Rinse thoroughly. Season with final teaspoon of tarragon and whole cinnamon stick.
Day 25 – Succulent Snackeroos.
Eat all leaves on household succulents.
Day 27 – Fingerling Potato Sandwich…
Use breath to warm four remaining potatoes, rip two pieces of old Amazon box into “bread” slices. Smear with bathroom potpourri pesto.
Day 35 – Garbage Disposal Casserole……
Remove pipes from under sink with tools you didn’t trade for kindling. Locate food trap. Push last bits onto cookie sheet. Bake over trash fire in living room. Eat in silence.
Day 82 – Ice, Ice Baby……………..
Mercifully, power remains. Freezer empty of food. Consume last tray of ice cubes in two-hour intervals.
Days 92-94 – 18-Hour Fasting………………………
Stay away from windows. Ration Stoned Wheat Thins for those most in need.
Day 113 – “Soup” of the “Day”………………………………………………………..
Nightfall is permanent. Trees bare. Remove water collection pint glass from roof before roving aqua gangs locate your position. Strain through pillowcase. Warm with last flicks of BIC lighter. Pray.