The Last Supper
April 1, 33
Jesus postpones dinner for 13 and moves it to August, coinciding with the grand opening of Long John Silver's Jerusalem. For years to come, communion wafers are replaced by popcorn shrimp, which Jesus had converted from a sack of locusts. The Easter Bunny succumbs to the more August-appropriate Easter Bullfrog, who dresses up in a seersucker suit and offers non-alcoholic Summer Shandys to well-behaved children.
Discovery of Florida
April 2, 1513
Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León never leaves port, thereby leaving Florida unclaimed for years to come. Milford, Connecticut becomes the future Spring Break destination of choice and the new home for jorts and Hooters.
Paul Revere’s Ride
April 18, 1775
A quarantined Paul Revere fails to alert the Minutemen. British troops capture the American arsenal at Concord. America remains under British rule until Prince Charles passes the sugar tax, which spurns uprisings in Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Arkansas, where residents litter streets and racetracks with soda pop and Little Debbie cakes.
Assassination of Abraham Lincoln
April 15, 1865
Play is cancelled and Lincoln lives through his second term. Adopting a more cocksure air after saving the Union, Lincoln pursues a new urban chic look. He moves the U.S. capital to Brooklyn and replaces his stovepipe hat with an obnoxious fedora. While his leadership in a time of crisis is forever applauded in history books, his story of yielding to the cooler kids of his Cabinet is long retold in class plays, after school specials, and a very special episode of Full House. Still needing a holiday in February, the U.S. instead celebrates William Henry Harrison’s birthday every February 9th.
April 10, 1912
RMS Titanic never leaves port. For years to come, passengers on boats, water taxis, and yachts are spared from watching people recreate the DiCaprio-Winslet “King of the World” scene. Titanic becomes a popular cruise line, launching the careers of such pop icons as Yoko Ono and David Hasselhoff.
New Coke Launches
April 23, 1985
The Coca-Cola Company launches “New Coke” to a glowing reception by customers clamoring for a change and who receive a free roll of toilet paper with every six-pack. No longer needing to guard its recipe, Geraldo Rivera reveals in 1988 that secret ingredients for the original formula include Sri Lankan curry, Polonium, and weasel urine.