Calls need not be limited to once per day. In fact, twice per day is preferable. This is especially true if some unprecedented event should take place. Say, if perhaps she pocket-dialed you but would now like to chat a bit while you’re there.

There’s simply no good reason any phone call shouldn’t be made into a video call, regardless of what either of you is currently doing. Don’t mind her as she chips away at the wallpaper border in your childhood bedroom. Embrace the abrasive scraping sound and off-kilter view of the ceiling as you regale her with the tale of your third walk around your neighborhood that day.

It’s imperative that you spend, at minimum, a quick 10 minutes simply reviewing the general guidelines and best practices of social distancing and basic hygiene, in case one of you has forgotten.

All conversation topics regarding your personal life are to be permitted. She is most certainly allowed to raise her eyebrows when you admit you’re not seeing anyone, despite the fact that your entire city is still sheltering in place.

When she is baking bread again and has a recipe she wants to share with you, she will do so by email and also by unsolicited verbal recitation in the middle of your workday. That way you’ll know how easy it is.

New developments in your city must always be on the agenda, and yes, it is a test to see how much you’re paying attention to the news. She’s watched 12 press conferences today—your governor’s twice.

The dangers of riding the subway, an act you have not participated in for seven weeks, must be addressed at the top of the hour, every hour. This can be done by phone call but is, admittedly, just as effective when done through text, Facebook message, or Instagram DM.

Moving your eighth grade graduation picture from the dining room to the guest bedroom does constitute a phone call.

It’s all well and good if you only want to talk for fifteen minutes. She understands that she’s boring you and you likely have much more important business to attend to. Really. Go ahead. Hang up on her.

Yes, she can ask how your ex is holding up during all of this. What? She had a relationship with them too.

Both parties should feel free to begin making plans for any holiday less than seven months away. This is just so she can get an idea of how long you’ll be home for, if you’re ever allowed to come home again. Additionally, she can and should take a doomsday approach to this entire situation.

If she were to be interested in scanning your senior prom photos or second grade report cards this weekend, you would be remiss if you didn’t show her how to set up the scanner via Zoom despite never having set up a scanner in your life.

Speaking of moving home, you really can do your job from anywhere now, so when exactly will you be moving home permanently?

Anyone and everyone is invited to join the weekly virtual happy hour including, but not limited to, your grandmother, second cousin, sixth grade teacher, and her best friend’s child who is single and your age!

Lastly, when all this is over, you will call her more often than you did before. Because she is your mother and you are so lucky to have her.


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