After months of closure, we here at Disney Parks and Resorts are proud to reopen, with our guests’ well-being and safety as our highest priority. Disney World is now once again “The Happiest Place on Earth,” albeit with a few newly-implemented protective health measures.

1. Guests now have the option of purchasing a nasal swab test with their souvenir photos after each ride.

2. Guests may also purchase a souvenir photo of the nasal swab test itself.

3. Donald Duck will now wear a mask, but still no pants.

4. All t-shirts reading “I Survived The Tower of Terror!” have been reprinted to read “I Survived!”

5. Goofy’s signature “Gawrsh-hyuck” will be replaced with something that sounds less like vomiting.

6. The wet market behind The Haunted Mansion is now closed.

7. The parade of dancing Newsies will be replaced with one lone Newsie, who shall bear the weight of conveying the pep of one hundred Newsies (aka “The Chosen One”).

8. Warning: Jungle Cruise may not be able to re-dock for two weeks. Pack a snack.

9. Masked characters such as Darth Vader are the only ones permitted to safely intermingle with guests at this time. Vader will also be filling in for Tinkerbell at the Princess Parade.

10. The “Slush Gusher” is closed forever. We don’t know what we were thinking.

11. The China pavilion at Epcot will be open two months before any other regions’ pavilion. Also, introducing: a new, flourishing New Zealand pavilion nobody's allowed to visit.

12. Splash Mountain is closed because the movie it’s based on is racist. We’re sneaking that in here and hoping nobody notices.

13. The “It’s a Small World” puppets have been relocated and social-distanced six feet apart from each other, stretching throughout the park. They now also all sing the celebrity rendition of “Imagine.”

14. No more open-mouth kissing the Barack Obama animatronic in The Hall of Presidents.

15. No bathrooms.

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