A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS Resulting in a Broken Hip
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE Until 8PM, Tops
A WRINKLE IN TIME and Botox Every 3-6 Months, as Needed
THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD, on a Good Day, Pumped Full of Anti-Inflammatories
BROWN BEAR, BROWN BEAR, WHAT DO YOU SEE? Can You See at All? You Shouldn’t Be Driving
THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR after Eating Brownies Made by Two Hippies Driving a VW Microbus
OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL GO When You’ve Got an Enlarged Prostate and There’s Nary a Bathroom in Sight
GREEN EGGS AND HAM, Fuzzy Cheese, and Other Stuff in the Back of Meemaw’s Refrigerator
GOODNIGHT MOON: Dinner by 4, Jammies by 5, Lights Out at 7
THE STORY OF THE THREE LITTLE PIGS Not One of Whom Can Figure Out How to Program a Smart Appliance
CHARLOTTE’S WEB of Deceit About Her Recent Facelift
WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS, Orthopedic Rehab Begins
TOOTLE and Other Reasons Not to Bend Over in Public
CURIOUS GEORGE: The Nosy Neighbor Looking Out His Window and Calling the Cops on Everyone
CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG Pooped on My Lawn Again After I Specifically Told Those Kids to Keep Him Off It
IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE, It’ll Come Back Later, Break in, and Steal Everything in Your Pantry
IF YOU GIVE A MOOSE A MUFFIN, Make Sure It’s Bran Cuz Papaw Needs All the Help He Can Get
THE PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH and the Driver Who Couldn’t Quite See Over the Dashboard Anymore
LOVE YOU FOREVER But the House is in Foreclosure and There’s No Cash in the Will
HOP ON POP and Leave Grammy’s Wrinkles Alone
THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE: The New People We Don’t Like in 407 B
THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN, the Weak Stream, and Getting Up Five Times a Night
STELLALUNA, Moon Unit, Dweezil, and Other Hippie Offspring Who Will Never Be Nominated to the Supreme Court
ALEXANDER AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY Involving Dentures and a Sewer Grate
THE CAT IN THE HAT, the Flower Child in Tie-Dye Bell Bottoms, and Random People Milling Around Asking if I Can Dig It
CHICKA CHICKA BOOM BOOM and Everything Jiggles
STREGA NONA Asks Herself if This is the Night She Will Smother Gramps With His Own Pillow
THE LITTLE HOUSE Your Parents Affectionately Call a Granny Pod But That Doesn’t Change the Reality of Living in a Box in Your Backyard
PIPPI LONGSTOCKING and the Swollen Ankles
THE ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO Doing Chair Yoga
CAPS FOR SALE but Don’t Tell Grandpa Because He Already Has Too Many Stupid-Looking Hats
HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS Revealed Only After the Sound Was Turned Way Up
HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS Because Aunt Frieda Set the Thermostat on 900
THE LITTLE PRINCE Hires Someone to Trim His Toenails
THERE WAS AN OLD LADY WHO SWALLOWED A FLY and, Thanks to Acid Reflux, It’ll Be Back Any Minute
EVERYBODY POOPS But Only Uncle Frank Talks About It
THE RUNAWAY BUNNY Didn’t Get Very Far Thanks to His Bunions
HANDS HANDS FINGERS THUMB and I’ve Got Bursitis in All of Them
GO, DOG, GO Frequently and Involuntarily
OH, THE THINKS YOU CAN THINK Before Your Neurons Betray You
HORTON HEARS A WHO But It’s Probably Tinnitus
THE BUTTER BATTLE BOOK and a Prescription for Statins
THE CAT IN THE HAT COMES BACK Four or Five Times Because His Memory is Shot
WINNIE THE POOH Wants Orthotics and Velcro Sneakers for His Birthday
ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND With Fresh Batteries in Her Hearing Aids
PAT THE BUNNY Has Lost his Keys for the Third Time Today
THE VELVETEEN RABBIT Used to Be a Lot Taller