1. The outfit is an all-white getup.

2. The outfit is worn to safely wage battle over a golden prize.

3. The outfit is protecting you from being stabbed by a small stinging blade that leaves red–and possibly infected–welts all over your body.

4. The outfit is uncomfortable but the alternative of not wearing the outfit is far more uncomfortable.

5. The outfit has a webbed material over the most vulnerable areas of your body as if to taunt your attackers who wish to risk their own demise in order to stab you in the face.

6. Though ventilation is good elsewhere, the crotch part is a bit tight.

7. It also smells a little sweaty but it’s cheaper to rent and deal with mysterious odors than buy your own at full price.

8. Someone left hand warmers in the glove parts. Hard to understand why that was necessary.

9. In an effort to make room in the crotch area, you discover that someone wrote the name “Liam” with a heart over the “i” on the inseam. It feels inappropriate to ignore so you make a mental note to cover that up later.

10. Also, someone left the tags on with a gift receipt stapled to it from 1971. The condition of the suit makes you wonder what department store policy would allow them to test out the article of clothing, whichever type it may be, before deciding if it was to your liking. Why else would keeping the receipt be necessary at all? It tickles your back.

11. Driven mad by an itch in the middle of your back, you finally tear the tags off. The answer to one of your previous questions is a Soviet-era Woolworth’s. The larger question of which type of suit you’re wearing remains unanswered when you discover the receipt is faded and in a dead language.

12. In the left pocket there’s a Polaroid of an injured dog, a chess piece with teeth marks in it, and several unmarked pills. The discovered items continue to provide no clues for which type of suit you’re wearing.

13. It’s hard to eat while wearing it.

14. It’s hard to smoke while wearing it.

15. It’s hard to keep down any of the sustenance or fluids you’ve sloppily forced through the mesh screen after the temperature in the suit reaches well over 130 degrees while wearing it.

15. It’s even more difficult than usual to express or receive physical intimacy while wearing it.

16. And it’s quite difficult to go to the bathroom unless you can quickly undress and do your business while fending off attackers.

17. It’s hard to unzip yourself or have any sort of dexterity with the giant rubber gloves attached to the suit while wearing it.

18. It’s hard to remember that you’ve made other commitments today and you’ll have to arrive dressed as you are in a white suit of ambiguous origin.

19. It’s hard to drive a car while wearing it.

20. And it’s hard to locate and place quarters in the parking meter while wearing the suit.

21. But nothing is trickier than telling your best friend that their drinking is becoming a problem while wearing it because you can’t seem to get it off and now it’s affecting your personal life in ways you never thought possible.

22. It’s also difficult to watch their expression of utter shame for the way their illness has affected their closest friends when the view is obscured by the suit’s protective webbing.


Beekeeper suit: 1-18
Fencing uniform: 1-18


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