- You do the research, watch life hack videos, and make a list. You are ready.
- You aren’t ready. The store is packed, everything is pandemonium, and everyone is fighting to the death for the same ten items.
- A feeling of deep, soul-encompassing dread washes over you, and you’re embarrassed for ever thinking you had any semblance of control.
- You seriously contemplate abandoning this project and just buying meatballs.
- You hoped the store would have some pre-made components, but they were all out of stock.
- You cannot begin to fathom what you’re supposed to do with the assortment of random parts in the inner pouch.
- “Does the placement of this wing look right?” (It doesn’t.)
- More than once, you find yourself flipping the bird.
- “You see me suffering while you’re watching football, right? Get off the couch and HELP ME, asshole!”
- There is a fowl smell—somehow, the turkey is on fire.
- There is a foul smell—somehow, the dining table is on fire.
- Halfway through, you run to the store and buy a specialty knife and shears.
- The instructions alternate between useless ambiguity and mocking specificity.
- “Why is this so hard!? Everyone seems so confident in the instructional YouTube videos!!”
- You’re surprised by how long it takes to finish the legs.
- You’re pretty sure the stuffing shouldn’t fall out like that.
- “Fuck it, I’m just gonna shove it the hell in there!”
- One tiny mistake could put someone in the hospital.
- You call the hotline to ask a horrified representative if you missed an important step. (You did.)
- In the final stretch, you’re fueled purely by adrenaline and rage.
- “ALG! SKÅLIG HOJTA GRAVYR! FRACK!”
- Looking back on this day many years from now, you’ll remember it as the catalyst leading to an acrimonious, protracted, and deeply contentious divorce.
- You stand back to admire the finished product. It looks like shit, and there’s an alarming amount of unidentifiable liquid pooling in the center.
- No one had fun, your hard work goes unacknowledged, and you swear to never put yourself in this situation again. (You will.)
1-9, 11-20, 21, 22-24: IKEA Dining Room Set (“ALG! SKÅLIG HOJTA GRAVYR! FRACK!” are the names of all the IKEA pieces you forgot to buy)
1-10, 12-20, 21, 22-24: Thanksgiving Turkey, (“ALG! SKÅLIG HOJTA GRAVYR! FRACK!” is how you exclaimed “AUGH! SCALDING HOT GRAVY! FUCK!” after burning your mouth on scalding hot gravy)