1. A Standard Table Lamp (STYLING TIP: Try different lampshade colors for optimal ambiance.)
  2. Decorative Tea Candles, Assorted
  3. Several Loose Flashlights
  4. One Omni-Seasonal Jack-O-Lantern
  5. Your Dad’s Clip-On Book Light He Insists on Using at 3 AM to Read a Book About WWII in the Hotel Room Your Entire Family Is Sharing While on Vacation
  6. The Glow of a Pregnant Woman
  7. A Roving Red Dot from the Laser Pointer Your Neighbor Keeps Shining Into Your Window to Fuck with You (STYLING TIP: Amplify this vexing atmosphere by getting more asshole neighbors.)
  8. The Fleeting, Hopeful Beacon of a Distant Lighthouse
  9. A Soccer Ball Nightlight You’ve Had Since You Were Nine and Claim Is “Kitschy” When in Reality You Only Keep to Stave Off Your Deep-Seated, Adult-Onset, Paralyzing Fear of the Dark
  10. 180,000-200,000 Glow-in-the-Dark Star Stickers (STYLING TIP: Put them fucking everywhere.)
  11. The Depressing, Blueish Luminescence Of Your iPhone In An Otherwise Dark Room
  12. Twelve HappyLight Therapy Lamps (NOTE: These create a unique aura and will have your guests saying “Are you doing okay?” and “These cannot be an effective alternative to antidepressants.”)
  13. A Bunch of Those Cool Luminescent Jellyfish You Always See Pictures of on Instagram (STYLING TIP: Dead and scattered.)
  14. The Smoldering Glow of the Muted, Indifferent Light at the End of the Tunnel, Looming Ever Closer, No Matter How Hard You Rage Against It
  15. Ikea’s NÄVLINGE Floor Lamp ($26.99) (NOTE: If you’re on a budget, try the TÅGARP Floor Lamp instead, for just $10.99.)