One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a Joke


I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.

“Approach each battle with the persistence of a Norton Security renewal notification, the clandestine secrecy of an overnight Windows update, and the capricious indeterminacy of a printer connection.”
—Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.

It's super crazy that toothbrushes were only invented in 2003 and before that everyone just cleaned their teeth with old newspapers.

Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*

I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.

My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.

“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss

Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”

My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.

The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.

Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.

Some of you have never searched for Atlantis and it really shows.

I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”

Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.

My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.

The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.

“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.

They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I put Silly String in my grandpa’s oxygen tube. He said it tasted awful. Well, he didn’t say it, he just kind of mumbled it and then there was some loud and fast beeping.

If cancel culture is so real then why do I still have so much student debt?