Music, like other art forms is supposed to be subjective. People are entitled to varying ideas of what constitutes good music and what constitutes bad music. You might like Kanye West. I might like Green Day. Neither of us is wrong. But Kanye West blows. Anyway, given that negativity is the driving force of my column (you call it bitching, I call it, well bitching, but I have a big wang and you don't), I've decided to list the ten worst pieces of shit songs in the history of man, and by “history of man,” I mean since 1983, when I was born, and all was good.
Just so we're clear, I have a very forgiving taste in music (the first song I ever burned to a CD was Aqua's “Barbie Girl,” and I'm not ashamed), so for these ten songs to make this list, well, they have nobody to blame but themselves.
Before we begin, let me establish some quick criteria. I've neglected a majority of the music from the 1980's, because far be it from me to beat a dead horse. I've also left out a majority of music from the early 1990's—not for any philosophical or logistical reasons, but because the early 90's were the golden era of music. Don't bother arguing, I shan't be swayed.
And away we go…
10. “I Disappear” by Metallica
Makes the list for two reasons: one, it highlighted the soundtrack to Mission: Impossible 2, a movie so utterly devoid of anything resembling entertainment, I actually left it with tuberculosis. And two, it came out just around the time Lars and Co. were shitting themselves about Napster. Did you notice it was only shit bands like Metallica and Smash Mouth who made a stink about Napster? Listen, assholes, you can't put out 12 screechingly awful ballads and expect folks to plunk down $17 on them. I'd go further into my Napster rant, but that's so five years ago. I might as well bitch about the Brian Setzer Orchestra.
Do you bury me when I'm gone
Do you teach me while I'm here
…Just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disappear.
On the plus side, I illegally downloaded this song. In your face, Metallica.
9. “Gettin' Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith
I swear to all that is holy, this song is the anthem for the Antichrist. I hated hated hated hated this song. Hated it. Not that I've got beef with the Fresh Prince. (How did Bad Boys 2 not win an Oscar? Oh, right. It sucked dick.)
Unh, unh, unh, unh
Hoo cah cah
Hah hah, hah hah
Bicka bicka bow bow bow,
Bicka bow bow bump bump.
I dunno either. I think it's from an old Lennon song.
8. “Bawitdaba” by Kid Rock
Shhh. I don't want to jinx it, but I'm pretty sure the Kid Rock era is officially over. What was this guy anyway? Was he country? Was he a rapper? Why was he doing songs with Sheryl Crow? How did Pamela Anderson fall for him? How did Carson Daly host TRL all those years with his head lodged up Kid's colon? It's inexplicable to me. You know those people who think the Holocaust was made up? That's how I feel about the Kid Rock era. I just can't imagine that anything this atrocious ever took place.
Wild mustangs and porno flicks
All my homies in the county in cell block six.
Is cell block six where they keep the bunny rapists?
7. “No Such Thing” by John Mayer
Can you believe how stupid girls are? Some schmuck gets a dumb haircut and does a Dave Matthews impersonation and suddenly his ovaries are exploding. I remember hearing a ton of hype about this guy before ever hearing a single song (not a good sign), and when I finally heard this tripe, I was in awe. It's fast-paced emo, with a rock beat and gay lyrics. I guess the best adjective to describe it is, “Fallopian.”
Faded white hats
They read all the books but they can't find the answers.
Deep. Impossibly trite and inane, but deep.
6. “The Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston
She believes that children are our future. Give me a fucking break. And since I have nothing else to say, remember that movie The Bodyguard? Well, last summer I wrote about the ten worst movies of all time, and I still can't believe I neglected that movie. You have Kevin Costner and this crack whore in an action movie with a romantic subplot, and there's about as much chemistry as a porno between Billy Graham and a wrench.
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity.
Nope, but the crack pipe can. Hey, how come nobody says “diva” anymore? Did VH1 officially stomp that term to a bloody death? I must know these things.
5. “My All” by Mariah Carey
The very worst Mariah song, even worse than those songs she did with Da Brat and Jay-Z. I'm going to show some restraint and not make fun of “Glitter” or her nervous breakdown, or her weird descent from rural princess to urban faux-whore….but she's a goddamn whore fake psycho bitch who made a terrible movie. (Dammit. I thought I could do it.)
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind.
Can they please get Mike Tyson to remix this song? Imagine Iron Mike sweating his way through “vividly emblazoned.” How can something be vividly emblazoned anyway? Someone get me some weed.
4. “Butterfly Kisses” by Bob Carlisle
Christ, if there's a more effeminate song in music history, I haven't heard it. A vagina could play the harmonica and have more balls than this. Anyway, Bob Carlisle's only apparent aspiration was to write a song that would become a headache-inducing staple of daddy-daughter dances. Way to set the bar high, Bob.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and
I thank god for all the joy in my life.
Dude, he's molesting his daughter. Does anybody else see this? Read between the lines, people.
3. “The Boy is Mine” by Brandy and Monica
God, I hated this song. And the video was even worse, particularly since MTV decided to play it roughly 145,234 times a day during the summer of '98. That's just over the cost of a pair U2 tickets. Can you think of a more musically cancerous duo than Brandy and Monica? Bono and a turd? Jesus and a toilet? Tough call.
Must you do the things you do
Keep on acting like a fool
You need to know it’s me not you
And if you didn’t know it girl it’s true.
Hey, she rhymed “do” with “you.” Why do people think black chicks are uneducated? Ooooh. Sorry, that was uncalled for. I really like black chicks, I own Gary Sheffield's rookie card.
2. “Perfect” by Simple Plan
Hey, I liked Blink 182 as much as the next 16-year-old boy with big ears and a hankering for boobies. But, were they really worth the ensemble of rip-offs that ensued, including, but not exclusive to Sum 41 and Bowling for Soup? But Simple Plan, I mean, yikes. At least “I'd Do Anything” and “Addicted” were catchy, but now they're trying to do a ballad about their father? We've come a long way since “Adam's Song” and that's not a good thing.
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand.
And remember, this song is about his dad. His dad. If I wrote this about my dad, he'd chase me around with a pitchfork. And I'd deserve it.
1. “Let me Clear my Throat”, by DJ Kool
Ok. Just give me a second. Every time I'm at a bar and this song comes on, everyone goes apeshit like House of Pain just showed up, tossed back a few Milwaukee's Bests, and wants to perform live for four minutes. I just don't get the fascination. The rapping is horrible, and the rapper sounds like he has an Ebola monkey trapped in his trachea. And I'm supposed to dance to this? Listen, white boys from suburban Rhode Island who drive Oldsmobiles don't groove to just anything.
Honestly, stop playing this at bars.