1. I showed up wearing an apron that said, “Look what Daddy’s cookin’ up!” Underneath? Very short shorts that could barely be seen from under my apron. It almost looked as though I wasn’t wearing any pants at all! Everyone cheered when they saw me walking through the door and I heard Jason yell, “Uh oh, now the party’s starting!”
  2. I took a gulp of habanero hot sauce that Jason had in his fridge. Everyone was totally in shock that I actually did it, but then laughed and laughed and clapped me on the back. Jason was kind of pissed that I spilled his hot sauce all over myself, but that’s why I wore an apron!
  3. I performed a dance routine with my best friend Ricardo that we had spent all week preparing. We almost made it to the first chorus before Ricardo messed up one of his turns and so I had to yell and throw hot sauce in his eye and he started throwing up and then everyone ran into the kitchen to avoid the vomit. But that’s just what happens when you party with an extrovert like me!
  4. When we were all in the kitchen, I saw this sick-looking knife on the counter, so I grabbed it and whooshed it around pretending I was Wolverine. Everyone laughed and laughed and clapped me on the back and tackled me in a rowdy-ass pig pile after I accidentally slashed Amanda in the back of the arm. Straight-up legendary party performance from your boy.
  5.  I saw this girl talking on her phone in the corner, staring at me and covering her mouth and talking really fast and low and so I yelled, “People are on their phones too much these days, turn that off and live a little!” She didn’t stop, so I grabbed her phone right after she said “Yes, come quickly, he just saw me…” and dropped it into my cup of light beer! Everyone started murmuring about how I am such a fun-loving and happy-go-lucky guy, but also clearly have some deep thoughts on the state of modern society. I love parties where people aren’t afraid to talk about real shit, you know?
  6. I decided to make amends for throwing hot sauce in Ricardo’s eye by trying to suck the poison out of it to make it feel better. Jason got really freaked when he saw me leaning towards Ricardo’s bloodshot eye with my tongue and yelled for me to stop, but instead, I grabbed his head and pried open his mouth, yanked out his tongue and stuck it into Ricardo’s eye. It made a hissing sound? Ricardo was howling with laughter and Jason was cracking up so hard that he started crying and stomping his feet. Everyone, even the cops, was like “Spencer sure knows how to liven up a party!” I’ve got such great friends.
  7. I jumped up on the dining room table to sing along to “Dancing Queen” and got my head lopped off by the ceiling fan. Everyone laughed and laughed and clapped me on the back as my severed skull rolled all the way across the room and lodged itself under the TV stand.
  8. My headless body began whirling on the dining room table, slowly rising up until it was hovering in the middle of the ceiling, spinning faster and faster. Someone must have grabbed the aux because the music changed from ABBA to an ethereal wailing, which everyone thought was super dope. The whole party was stoked out of their minds that I was becoming an eldritch horror and then there was a ripping sound that reverberated all around us and somehow within us at the same time, as time slowed down and everyone’s vision narrowed until the only thing they could see was my body spinning unfathomably fast, tearing a hole in the time-space continuum, slipping the entire party into some other, kickass dimension where I get to do even more wild shit and no one bats an eye because that’s just the kind of fun guy I am.
  9. I bought everyone shots in the cool dimension. It was sick.