Zero percent tip for a restaurant server

Lately, there's been an uproar in the media over "tip shaming," where servers share photos of the actual receipts of customers who left a hefty "0" in the tip column, generally with some sort of pro-religion/anti-gay message scrawled along with it.

The reasons they give are typically a load of bullshit. But if you really have your heart set on stiffing the minimum wage workers who serve your heaping mounds of fatty, deep-fried goodness, then here are some legitimate excuses you can provide.

1. There's a mountain lion in your soup.

Mountain lion in soup at a restaurant 

Dearest Server,

If you're wondering why I've written a gigantic "ZERO" where your tip should be, please note the instance where you replaced the garbanzo beans in my soup with a live mountain lion. Though he was uncommonly friendly and certainly added a bit of pizazz to an otherwise bland and uninteresting meal, he was still a mountain lion.

And mountain lions do not belong in soup. God bless.

2. Your server freestyle rapped today's specials. Poorly.

If I wanted to listen to a white person awkwardly break into clunky freestyles every 5 minutes, I would have eaten at Denny's. I lost my appetite at the assertion your "motherfuckin' waffle fries" would have my "motherfuckin' mouth mesmerized." And frankly, the less said about your unfortunate attempt at rhyming "vinegar," the better.

Oh, and your haircut is ridiculous.

3. Your server tried to poison you.

Skull and crossbones cocktail mixer 

I'm on to you. Did you really think I wouldn't smell the arsenic in my mojito? And how about your bold choice in "garnishing" my glass with those little plastic skull-and-crossbones? Too clever by a half, though.

I award you no tip, and may God have mercy on your soul.

4. You're putting that 12-20% into a trust fund for the server's child.

In lieu of leaving $8 on the table, which you'll undoubtedly spend on booze, crack cocaine, or hunting a homeless man for sport, I've decided to start a trust fund for your child, Timothy, who you wouldn't shut the fuck up about. I get it, Timothy likes his eggs over easy too, which basically makes us Eskimo brothers.

So here's to Timothy (who'd better be real and not just a fictitious tip-generator), who hopefully grows up and REMEMBERS TO PUT MY HOLLANDAISE SAUCE ON THE SIDE!

5. Your server gave you lupus.

Because you somehow inflicted me with such a severe disease over the course of my hour-long meal—a disease that isn't even contagious, by the way—I've decided to save your tip for the rigorous treatment I'll no doubt need ASAP.

I hope God continuously flicks you in the eyeball for the rest of eternity.

6. Your server was a dog.

I don't tip dogs because I do not agree with their lifestyle choices. Anyone who spends that much time licking their own genitalia forfeits the right to be paid for bringing me shrimp nachos. Also, The Bible does not recognize canines. You are an abomination, Woofy!