Kevin: Ever since I had a baby girl, I have a hard time fucking girls who shave their bush completely.
Nathan: Dude, I think I’m gonna throw up.

Kevin: I mean, think about it. That’s how little girls come into the world—
Please stop. God, you’re sick.

Regular readers of this column may have noticed that I have a sort of love-hate relationship with stereotypes. I hate having to use them because I think they are essentially, to borrow some words from Jim Morrison, “a shortcut to thinking.” But I love them because they help us to figure out just a little bit about how we can expect certain humans to behave.

For example, I prefer women who smoke to women who do not because, for the most part, women who smoke are less discriminate about what they put in their mouths than are their non-smoking counterparts. Also, I prefer to hang out with guys who do manual labor more than guys who work in offices (again, for the most part) because laborers tend to enjoy living just a little more than people who are constantly blessed with air conditioning and soft cotton outfits. But that’s just me. That’s the way I roll and all that.

“I’ve never fucked a chick who doesn’t groom downstairs, but I’ve heard they exist in parts of Wyoming and Alaska.”

Anyway, a little while back, some of The Nate Way readers convinced me that it would be a good idea to write a column about the way that women shave their pubic hairs. Being both a social scientist and a general pervert, I was happy to oblige. The following are things you can tell about a girl by the way she shaves her bush. (Man, am I so fucking thrilled I never got a job writing for Newsweek. I mean, where else would shit like thisfly?)

1. The Reverse Triangle

The chick who sticks with the reverse triangle is typically boring in bed, generally does not smoke, and often says things like, “I wouldn’t be caught dead in a strip club,” or “Do you know that’s your seventh beer?” I usually don’t like this chick very much. Fortunately, thanks to the current Sex in the City-inspired generation of females, the reverse triangle is disappearing rather quickly. And to that I say, “Good.”

2. The Landing Strip

This is fast becoming the reverse triangle of the new generation, and thus it is rather difficult to pinpoint a stereotype for the girls who sport this look. Many of them are crazy freaks, others are tamer yet fun to be around, and still others are just boring. I wish I could give you a stereotype here, but well, this is the “tattoo on the small of the back” of pubic hair. There just isn’t any real way to define a girl by the landing strip. The scope of chicks with this look is just too large to warrant a stereotype. I wish I could have been more helpful here.

3. Totally Shaved

A total shaver chick is usually very good in bed, has a strong tolerance for pain, and probably doesn’t mind a little biting, hair pulling, or serious scratching. Also, she’s usually a sure bet to fuck more than one guy in a given day if her “horn bug” (and yes, I know two chicks who have used that term in the last month) is raging. She’s almost a sure bet to hate wearing underwear and, though she usually prefers wine or hard liquor, she’ll drink the occasional beer only if it’s “the only goddamn thing you have to drink in this house.” She’s fun at parties and often has a tattoo that is not located on the small of her back.

4. Fun Shapes

Chicks who use their pubic hair as a form of art are usually the most fun. They’ll shave their pubic hair in the shape of a heart or a lightning bolt or even (as I have seen on one occasion) a couple of cherries. The thing about these chicks is that they bore easily. I mean, many chicks get bored with the hair on their head, this chick gets bored with the hair downstairs. She’s a sure bet to fuck you in the stairway at a party and then go make out with your ex-girlfriend. My only problem with these girls is that there aren’t enough of them.

5. The Untamed Jungle

I’ve never fucked a chick who doesn’t groom downstairs, but I’ve heard they exist in parts of Wyoming and Alaska so I figured I’d throw this one out there. I asked a few men I know if they have ever encountered these chicks, and the only guys who had were over forty. So I think this one is pretty much dead. And quite frankly, I think the world is a better place for it.

Now, please understand that not all stereotypes are always correct. I’ve met Asians who can drive well, black people who hate fried foods and even a Samoan who wasn’t fat. But, for the most part, I’m pretty sure that chicks can be defined in part by the way they trim their bushes.

Of course, by the time you’ve gotten that far, I mean, it’s not like you really give a fuck.