Last night, I consumed a pitcher of beer in a bar that had the audacity to display something other than Monday Night Football (on one of its fourteen televisions). The show in question featured some windbag named Nancy Grace, who was consumed with anger regarding the rape and murder of JonBenet Ramsey. Or, so I first thought. It turned out that what really bothered Grace was the fact that the murder suspect, Mr. John Mark Karr, and his captors were flown from Thailand (where Karr was arrested) to America in first class (or business class–whatever) accommodations, which cost American taxpayers over $15,000.

I think I speak for educated Americans everywhere when I ask the poignant question, “How could you possibly give a fuck?”

First off, it's a twelve hour flight. Those suck. If I was a cop and I found out I had to take a twelve hour flight at a moment's notice so my government could arrest someone, you're damn right you'd see my ass in first class. I know the criminal doesn't deserve special treatment, but the officers couldn't exactly let Karr out of their sight. And hey, aren't our civil servants worth a little extra money every now and again? Come on, Nancy. Just 'cause you make six figures doesn't mean that every FBI agent does. Have some compassion, you pug-faced bitch.

Second off, it's fifteen grand. Our president spends more than that per nanosecond on a pointless and directionless war. I mean, spread the loot around all ready. If the government can print the money, place value on the money and steal it out from under the asses of hardworking Americans through inflation, rising insurance and oil costs, the least the current regime can do is cut a gourmet meal or five for an admitted child molester and his captors. It's only fair.

And third off, I cannot believe how mad this Grace chick got over what is essentially a non-issue. Karr is a confessed child molester and Grace's biggest problem with his existence is that the most wasteful administration in US history wasted fifteen grand to get Karr into America, where he will most likely spend the rest of his life in prison (or, with any luck, where he will be killed in prison). This is not shocking or problematic in any way if you ask me. Hell, it's not even news. And Miss Bitch Grace spent more than forty minutes on this one useless aspect of this case. Which means, essentially, that her advertisers probably paid about twenty grand so that she could bitch about our government spending fifteen grand.

With a perspective like that, it's a wonder Nancy Grace isn't in charge of the American budget.

Oh yeah, sorry about getting political with this post. Blame the Saints. If they could play football for shit, I'd probably be writing about the different ways girls shave their pubic hair or something.

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Scott Dikkers (The Onion)

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