>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
July 4, 2004

England. It's where most college students study abroad. The fish and chips, the abundance of clubs, and the significantly lower drinking age all overlap with the rainy weather, and the priority of tea over coffee campaign. Although I believe that Prince William and David Beckham help out more than a little. Both of our countries have come a long way from Stamp Tax and Redcoats to form an incredibly strong friendship. Even importing and exporting students has become a common practice and God save the Queen because England is producing some seriously sweet stock that we should all be thankful for this July fourth.

I recognize that it is the Fourth of July weekend and I should be scrutinizing beauty pageants (like the Miss Hawaiian Tropic) or developing a readable documentary about the selling of illegal fire works (M-80's that go off at 3 in the morning and set off everyone's car alarm) or that ridiculous movie Spiderman (could we just stick to X-Men please when it comes to super heroes? At least Hugh Jackman is more believable as Wolvervine than Tobey is at pretending Kristen Dunst doesn't hate his guts in real life). But I thought that maybe with David Beckham's GQ cover temporarily overshadowing Will Ferrell's poodle-holding pose on Vanity Fair, and with the pound doing significantly better than the dollar, we should all take a look at the motherland.

More specifically the males and their frightful appeal to American women. When English guys come here from overseas they have three things in common. First, they like to drink a lot. Second, they like to play soccer, which they roll their eyes at when we refer to it as such. (Apparently the illustrious reputation of the Green Bay Packers couldn't reach the other side of the Atlantic.) So far they're not that different from American guys, but then a dynamic aspect of personality comes in to play and completely tilts the scale in favor of the British: the accent. That adorable English accent pulls anyone with tits in. And they know that their accents will get them laid every time—assuming, of course, that they did have some sort of dental coverage during their childhood. After all if Hugh Grant didn't have that accent there's no way in hell he'd be an American movie star with those bottom jaw choppers of his.

Yeah American woman hear an accent from one side of the bar and immediately they begin to stalk their prey. Watching American girls in European predator mode is better than cheetah week on the Discovery Channel. European men are fresh meat. We know this. They know this. We know that they know and they know that we know this. And we all just pretend that we don't love it. Growwwwl!! Fine, I'm done being a blonde cheetah now. The point is this: accent has some sort of strange power over us. We can't explain it. I'm not sure if it works the other way because my guy friends working with English chicks at a camp right now haven't responded to my emails (“me emails” as the hottie Brits say). But I am assuming women with accents have the same affect on American men.

It also may have something to do with the fact that English men do their hair every night and wear fresh clothing. Sorry I have to do this guys, but brutal honesty is so much more fun, and some of you guys out there are only getting laid because there is a serious lack of options for the women where you live. You think that if we took your saggy-ass, denim, hooded sweatshirt, complete with baseball cap that you'd be getting laid when competing with a massively-gelled set of hair, fitted jeans, and clean t-shirt? Hell no!! You know you wouldn't. You'd be sitting at home in front of Kazaa looking at the latest stash of downloaded porn. On the other hand, women dress the same no matter where you're from. Black pants, high heels, and tube top is the universal signature outfit for party nights.

But we also have to remember that there's a reason why any import costs two bucks more than domestic. They do require a little more work. Sometimes you won't understand the accent and find yourself straining to understand their lingo (“pig ugly,” “wanker,” “bullocks” to name a few). Not to mention that they all have this ridiculous obsession with Snatch and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels—basically the equivalents of Top Gun and Rocky. But believe me, once you work through the accent, you'll be glad you waited for the lock, stock and smoking barrels. Let's just hope they have a similarly analogous obsession.