>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
April 11, 2004

Psych studies suggest that the average person will fall in love six times in their lifetime. My studies suggest that of these six, five will occur during college. We'll all experience passion, betrayal, affection, bliss, security, pleasure, and heartbreak at some point. And the only consolation is that while you can't choose you fall in love with, at least you can choose who lays you.

Just because you're having sex with someone doesn't mean you're dating. Girls often confuse sexual physical contact with relationships. This confusion occurs most often in the freshman class. The funniest and probably most pathetic sight is the freshman who thinks she's dating the older upperclassmen. And by dating I mean having him call her up at bar time and tell her that he's coming over. When you ask the eighteen year-old, still fresh out of high school if she's “still dating Nick,” she'll nod her head proudly, flash a wide toothy smile and say, “Yeah! I'm so excited, he's everything I imagined my college boyfriend would be like.” Several days later at a party when you ask him if he's dating horse-tooth, a profoundly confused expression will appear as if to ask who in the hell are you talking about. He may even request a sketch artist to conjure up a rough portrait of the wild woman running loose on campus calling herself his girlfriend.

These freshmen are the same girls who never take the advice of the former elusive girlfriend of the manwhore. Only because the inexperienced freshman believes that she, and she alone, has the power to change this manwhore into a loving, caring, and most importantly monogamous boyfriend. Yeah, and while she's hallucinating and picking out china patterns in fantasy land let's just eliminate video games, sports, porn, pot, booze, and ESPN all together so guys can never be distracted from focusing on us again.

A lot of us have been in this diluted state of mind that encourages us to create an imaginary relationship with a guy that calls you up at three in the morning after the bars close to hook up but can't find the time during the day to sit down and eat lunch with you. Your friends tell you to lose him, that he doesn't treat you right, and that he's banging other chicks on the side. But no, there you remain standing on firm ground, more stubborn than a zit on prom night, hoping deep down he really cares about you, when all he really cares about is you just going down–on him.

So let me attempt to clear this up. You know you're a couple when he walks you home in the morning holding your hand (and even more so if he let's you wear his comfy sweatshirt to brunch in front of everyone and their mother). You're not a couple when he tells you to let yourself out and stumble back to your place on a solo mission. (Especially when he tells you to use the back door.)

Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, and I wouldn't sound so bitter, if meeting someone you had an immediate connection with was easy. But it's not, and even if it was, the idea of being committed to just one cow before trying out the wide variety of cheese from the others is just too much for some people to handle. Molecular Biology? Pssh, a cinch. Advanced Quantum Physics? Piece of Cake. Med-School? No problemo. Commitment? Let's not push the envelope here buckshot.

And even if you do find someone special in college the timing is hardly ever right. One of you is taken, the other single, and the take one don't want to risk being single if the attraction to the single doesn't last. Because the takens have grown addicted to always having someone to cuddle with at least 3 out of the 7 nights a week. And to not have a cuddle buddy to some people is a fate second to losing permanent use of AIM.

That's not to say that no one finds true, genuine love at college. Not all of us who emotionally invest themselves others get jaded. Great moments happen all the time; there is and always will be someone so frustrated, distressed, and exhausted by the constant anxiousness growing in their heart and stomach (sometimes causing gas) that they are compelled to do something dramatic to rid them of the apprehensiveness. Did I say dramatic? I meant desperate.

We have all done something ridiculous to prove to another person that we have sensationally strong feelings for them. These wild gestures have the potential to either freak the loved one out or help them achieve the realization that this ridiculously dramatic action is pretty damn fantastic. But how much effort is too much?

Maxing out your credit card to get him two tickets to box seats of the opening game? (p.s. You're not his girlfriend if he brings his best buddy to the game instead of you.)

Being able to look at you while you're bleaching your mustache? (Eek. I'd be grossed out just watching my best friend do that.)

Screaming wildly at the bar what a great pair of titties you have? (Yeah, caught that one this weekend between a couple.)

Ignoring his rank breath in the morning and kissing him anyway?

Pulling her aside during a party and confessing your undying love since you first saw her freshman year standing between the salad bar and soda fountain?

Dropping the L-Bomb? (Let's save that one issue for another time shall we?)

Then there's the couple who's on-again, off-again so much that you'll never want to go near either one of them for fear their former lover will key your car or trip you while wearing stiletto's at the next big party. And when you see one of them all they'll do is bitch and complain your ear off. Just wait, the next drunken night at the bar I guarantee you they'll be consuming each other's faces so hard he'll be sucking the silicone implants right out of her mouth.

My favorite people to watch though are the two individuals who like each other, but can't seem to get their shit together long enough to ever be happy simultaneously as a couple. All through college they have this striking, obvious chemistry that everyone can detect, but nothing is done to keep this spark ignited.

But sometimes when you least expect it, you're one-half of this couple. It's senior year, the last semester. You take desperate measures to seize the opportunity. You find yourselves on a moonlit street, both eyes meet, and for a moment you realize that you're in your own world. Throwing away all the drama, all the worry, all the concerns about what other people think, you reach for each other's hands and just enjoy each other's company for the few days you have left.

Yeah, and while I'm dreaming. I'd also like a pony.

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