Simon SaysA modern twist on an age-old children’s game. Follow these simple instructions and get ahead in the game of life.
Simon says touch your perfectly crafted Roman nose.
Simon says put your right arm in the air, like you’re waiting your turn to ask a question—even though you should just interrupt whoever is talking because what you have to say is probably more important.
Put your other arm in the air too, then wave them around like you just don’t care about anyone’s personal space, because you don’t!
Ha! Simon didn’t say. Not to worry young friend. Although you should technically be “out,” you can just stay. The rules don’t apply to you, silly.
Simon says touch your neighbor’s butt.
Simon says tell your neighbor you never touched her butt, and she must be imagining things. This is called “gaslighting” and will come in handy someday, I promise. Distorting another person’s reality actually means you’ll do whatever it takes to win. And that’s just good business.
Get down on your knees like you’re going to grovel for forgiveness.
Simon can’t trick you can he! Good work, that was a test.
Simon says write a half-hearted, pseudo-apology—you’ve got to practice feigning empathy, and Simon says it’s never too early to start.
Simon says yawn like you’re bored by everyone’s stupid questions.
Simon says share one item from your lunchbox with your friend, then take three items from him in return. This is called supply and demand.
Simon says keep the $100 bill your mom gave you for the school’s charity event, in which toys are being supplied to underprivileged children in your city. Eventually the money will reach them if you just stick it in your pocket. It’s basically like magic. This is called the trickle-down theory.
Simon says roll over. No, wait! Wrong classroom. Don’t do that. Don’t EVER do that. Rolling over is for losers.
Simon says wink with your left eye, someday the ladies will love that and it will keep you out of trouble.
Simon says put a sign around your neck that reads: “You’re welcome.”
Take the sign off.
Attaboy! You’ve got it now. Just your mere existence is a pleasure for us all.
Simon says turn around, look in the mirror, and repeat 227 times: I am the future.
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