>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
December 31, 2003

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Phony Paris Hiltons Buy Plenty of Pizza
Real Paris Hilton orders only seven.

CHICAGO (Reuters) – The simple life has rubbed off on hotel heiress Paris Hilton — or so one would think judging by the amount of Domino's pepperoni pizza ordered in her name.

Oh Reuters, you are getting so much better at these witty opening quips! I WOULD LIKE TO READ ON!

“Paris Hilton” is the No. 1 fake name used by people calling for pizza deliveries, according to a survey of Domino's Pizza drivers in Washington, D.C., released Monday by the pizza delivery chain. And 38 percent of those using the name of the socialite model ordered pepperoni topping.

And as per usual, Mike Jones is the No. 1 real name used by people calling for pizza, with 43 percent of these plain-named socialites ordering cheese. WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU EXPECT!?

U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft might want to open an investigation into these findings — he was No. 2 on the list of assumed names used by people ordering pizza.

Domino's was very embarrassed to find out that Paris Hilton and John Ashcroft often spent Saturday night together, ordering pizza. Wherever the NOID is now, his face is sure red! Well, more red then usual.

Of course, given his conservative bent, he probably wasn't among those answering the door in the nude, who the survey said tend to tip better than people who answer in their pajamas.

Are they implying even those who gave a fake John Ashcroft name were so ‘suaded by his Republican policies that they weren't going to answer the door in the nude?!? Because I respect that train of thought.

According to the survey of 630 drivers, nine percent of people who answer the door in the nude tip more than 20 percent, compared with 2 percent of people in pajamas.

Which is weird, because naked people can't afford clothes. Or maybe they're just exhibitionists, I don't know, I failed Math.

Among political pizza findings, people with “Dean for President” bumper stickers on cars in their driveways tipped 22 percent higher than people with “Bush for President” bumper stickers. People with “Bush for President” bumper stickers were three times more likely to order meat-topped pizzas than “Dean for President” drivers.

Don't pizza delivery men have better things to do than check bumpers, take polls, and deliver pizzas? I mean they could be curing world peace and making AIDS!

The night of the televised wedding of reality show contestants Trista and Ryan was the top pizza ordering night of the year in Washington, according to the survey. The announcement of the war in Iraq was No. 2, the Super Bowl No. 3 and the debut of Hilton's reality show “The Simple Life” was No.4.

Also, when Saddam was found in his hole, the number one fake name used was Hairy Guy, and the number one fake place to deliver it was “Bunker Outside my Palace.” Also, 40 percent of those who ordered pizza to “Bunker Outside My Palace” ordered pepperoni and human indignity…with cinnamon sticks.

And as an example of giving people what they want, No. 2 night of biggest tips was the night Madonna and Britney Spears kissed on the MTV Music Video awards.

Because nothing is hotter then watching lesbo porn and then busting a nut on top of a large pepperoni. Am I right?