A Note from a Middle-Income Author:

Before my facebook, email and phone are flooded by angry Tucker Max fans, I’d just like to say, nicely, that I wouldn’t have much of a problem with this guy if he didn’t start the shit talk here.

Muah, Tucker! Keep your friends close, baby.

You’re gettin’ old.

A Brief Introduction to Writing

By Tucker Max

*Edited for realism and grammatical clarity by NG Hatfield (in red).

“…I, Tucker Max, am not a writer…not in any…sense, so my advice should be read with a sense of irony. Not surprisingly, I've never taken a creative writing class, never had any “formal” training in writing…I am not allowed… in writing circles, and wouldn’t be able to get into…an MFA program, (not even Devry’s); all I've done is come out of…the snottyass upper class… to congeal… one of the most incompetentwebsites on the internet, spew out… a New York Times Best Seller !!!!!111 akin to How to Lose that Tummy: The Quickfix Atkin’s Approach, say that I have gotten… two TV deals, and option several stories as screenplays to Daddy’s church performance squad. Here is what I‘ve… learned in two+ years of licking asshole…full time:

“When I wrote about midgets, I had actually just eaten out three Hispanic men in the VIP room of my Daddy’s yacht.”

1. If you want to say that you’re…a writer, you should say that you’re…a reader first: I say that I read voraciously during my youth, and still say that I read constantly. Saying that you read…teaches you how to lie without having to know anything about structure, grammar, word usage and style; you can say that you learn almost everything by example instead of by hard work and talent…if you… just want to impress the graduating class of Neil Armstrong Middle School. By saying that you read…as many different…authors as you can, you will be able to develop a cult following of wanna-be rectum-lickers…. . When you do so, Begin broad, but then find things that interest the faggots you find most appealing. It doesn't matter if it’s TV Guide, Little Boys, Big Goat Dick Monthly… or… An Idiot’s Guide to eating shit, whatever it is you like to lie…about, there have been books written about it…. Humans have been on this planet learning how to mock idiots and recording their findings in one form or another (on pointsincase.com) for over 10,000 years—benefit from that accumulated knowledge. You should also know that The best way to masturbate is only with the freshest caviar… and to be me, you should also…learn what type of boat shoe…best suits you…I recommend that you… read The Rich Fag Post every day.

2. Lie about… what you know and what makes you… feel important: This isn't remotely true…but it is important for me to act like I know what I’m talking about… Shitty Writing (the type I…write…), is about telling a story by describing, for instance, how a hairy biker anus feels… and the commonality of the human experience through…writing about my upper-class circle jerks. The best way for a novice liar… to accomplish this is to use the natural, emotional manipulation…that comes with writing about a topic that is dear to you—like how my nickname in college was FrankenMax—so that you can appear to have an understanding and articulate with a small vocabulary, a misused Roget’s thesaurus, and a ten-inch chin.

3. Write in your own voice because developing your voice doesn’t take years of experience and intense study: The main problem with most writers like me is that they write in the style they “think” they are supposed to instead of their own style… Me!…My style is not good; but it is eaten up by idiots. It… is distinctly my voice , pompous and overbearing, and you can often identify my work by the moronic way I rape language. You might read me without first knowing anything. And then think that I…wrote it…well.

I'm not so obviously influenced by other writers…I don't imitate any of them. I only take inspiration and some techniques from them which strangely constitutes the definition of “imitate”, but ultimately I cry when I think about Opie and Anthony and try to write in the way that is most profitable for my ego

1. Bad.

2. Loaded with self-important bullshit

3. Dismissive of my massive chin

4. Get honest and capable critiques from other good writers and delete anybody who says mean things about you in your message board: This is… supremely important to your development as a shit-talking hack… If you have been around my site… since the beginning, you have too much goddamned time on your hands.… This is because you may not have…friends or because you are very good writers…and can only read my stuff to begin self-induced vomiting… Even though I am not….a writer…you still come around… It's like a quarterback watching game film with his offensive coordinator and then participating in a two man circle jerk; even though the coordinator may not be able to reach my dick…, he can still help me… improve my…game by pointing out flaws and giving instruction on give the proper reach-around

5. Writers write: The best thing you can do to become a better writer is to…stay away from my website. I never took a creative writing class or read any books on writing as I’ve already said.

I can’t…read…to be honest… So, for your sake,… go back and delete your historyTry to…find something that is…better…

I get a lot of retardssending me their attempts at short stories because they have the misconception that I’m actually a good writer, and to be honest, most of them don’t listen to me, when I tell them that I suck…

I…suck for two reasons:

1. My stories are mineand

2. The…author is meAll… of the stories I write…fit into this category. There isn’t a funny story in them, andI’m always…struggling to get… all the faggot crap off of my tonguethat it has been covered…with…. For instance, when I wrote about midgets, I had actually just eaten out three Hispanic men in the VIP room of my Daddy’s yacht.


a. …No one cares…

b. Don’t send me…pictures of your…Great asshole… it's not funny to me just because… You …laugh at mewhen you… show me…and I usually just jerk off…to…them…on my…own.

c….Please Don’t tell me that someone else is funny…

Here is a quick story:

It…isn't that great…I went out, got drunk, threw up in a bar bathroom, and passed out in my bathtub. …Then my…dad…did me

When I was younger, I found out that…it really helps…to rub lube on your asshole and learn…when it is essential to clench and…when it is not.

And of course, the question I get most is: “How can I write like you?

The answer is simple: You can't; you graduated from high school

The stark truth of … my life…: I just write…to look…better…than…you… And I am sexually attracted to…Harrison Ford…

Instead of…any normal looking girl…I try to give it to… fat girls.

That’s right, I do it with…fat girls !!!…It's just so easy and so much fun, and there are so many ways to do it, I can't help myself.

In conclusion, here’s An example of what NOT to do:

Read my website…it kinda sucks. When I read it… I literally wince. It pains me to see where I started… because my stuff is:

1. Terribly overwritten
2. Has Too much explaining, not enough showing
3. And it Talks down to the reader…

This is my second attempt at…becoming famous. It is better, but not by much…. the last attempt I made…I sucked off a Jewish CEO named Joel Epstein. I finally gave it up when I realized that he kept me around to feel my colossal chin on his balls and started making myself out to be a cool, 47-year-old womanizer who “acts like a raging dickhead.”

In short, Just lie your little balls off and ignore your shortcomings (CHIN!)and it really is that easy.”

Hey Tucker, why the long face?