One of the most disturbing things to me about Christianity is the mistranslation and misinterpretation of things and ideas in order to twist them into something completely awful. In the past I have demonstrated how easy it is to mistranslate passages from the Bible to mean something terrible. In addition, I have also demonstrated how Christmas music can be misinterpreted to mean something completely different than what was intended.

I think it is now time we combine those two ideas and misinterpret a Christmas song to mean something completely terrible. And what better song to do this with than my least favorite Christmas song, "The Little Drummer Boy."

Little Drummer boy banging on drum scared
Wait, what are you going to do?!

Imagine if you will that "The Little Drummer Boy" isn't about a poor kid spasmodically banging on his drum for the Baby Jesus, but rather for what the Catholic Church is known best for these days: inappropriately mixing sex and children in the most terrible and un-Christian way imaginable. What if we misinterpret the word "come" to mean "cum" and put forth the idea that "pa rum pum pum pum" is the actual act of cumming, while the word "drum" is a euphemism for penis. The song kind of takes on a WHOLE new disturbing meaning, doesn't it? Although, ironically, a meaning more in line with Catholic Church historical accuracy when it comes to banging poor little boys.

Cum they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
(The Catholic Church can be very demanding of little boys.)

A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum
(At the very sight of him no less.)

Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
(I mean what Church leader hasn't bribed little boys with gifts before?)

To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
(I'm actually not sure what meaning of the word "lay" should be used here.)

rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
(Multiple orgasms?)

So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
(The Catholic Church has always been a little full of itself.)

When we cum.
(Yeah, we get it, no need to be so specific.)

Baby Jesus, pa rum pum pum pum
(The Catholic Church has always had a motto of, "Get em when they're young.")

I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
(Most small boys in the Catholic Church are described that way. "Oh that poor poor boy!")

I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
Which is why the Church always says now that, "Love is its own gift."

That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
(It's important to keep in mind here that the European meaning for "fit" is "sexy.")

rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
(Who says the male multiple orgasm is uncommon?!)

Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
(Do these small boys ever really have a choice?)

On my drum?
(Again with the specifics?)

Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
(Because we all know what a twisted whore she is; she fucks ghosts!)

The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum
(More like horrifically watching the clock for when this will all end.)

I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
(As if there was any uncertainty as to what you were doing at this point.)

I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
(Way to go big!)

rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
(Notice how the music reaches a major climax at this point in the song.)

Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
(Another youth corrupted and damaged for all time.)

Me and my drum.
(Spent…as the tempo of the music clearly indicates at this point in the song.)

Little Drummer Boy bangs drum happy
Beating my drum has never given me this much pleasure before!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! May you NEVER be able to listen to "The Little Drummer Boy" the same way again, which is my very special gift to all of you.