>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
July 21, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Worker Suspended for Mistreating Poultry

CHARLESTON, W.Va. – A supplier for Kentucky Fried Chicken suspended a worker without pay and is investigating three others after an animal rights group released video of workers kicking, stomping and throwing birds against walls at a West Virginia plant.

How dare they kick a chicken before beheading it, chopping it into pieces, deep-frying the chunks, and feasting on its segmented corpse?!! (Irony is this year's sarcasm.)

Pilgrim's Pride President and Chief Operating Officer O.B. Goolsby said in a statement late Tuesday that in addition to the suspension and investigation, the company has ordered managers at all 25 of its plants in the nation to take time out on each shift to educate workers about animal welfare policies.

More like Chief Operating Officer O.B. Trice. (Audience: Oh, behave!)

Employees who handle live birds must sign a document saying they understand the zero-tolerance policy for animal cruelty, he said.

I'm sick of zero tolerance policies! Just once I wanna see a two-tolerance policy, or even a four-tolerance policy! But ZERO!? That's just unreasonable.

Company spokesman Ray Atkinson did not immediately return a telephone call Wednesday morning seeking additional comment on the disciplinary action.

Man I bet his phone is made out of fried chicken. He just holds a drum against his cheek as greasy telecommunication ensues.

The footage, released online Tuesday, was secretly taken at the Pilgrim's Pride plant in Moorefield by an investigator for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals who worked there from October to May.

It's funny that the group goes by an acronym that resembles the bread I usually stuff with chicken, beef, and falafel. *Reader has glazed look on face* Pita. I meant Pita bread.

Hardy County Prosecutor Lucas See said Wednesday that he has received videotapes from PETA but has not reviewed them yet. PETA wants West Virginia authorities to prosecute plant employees and managers.

You know what they say. Lucas See Lucas Do!

Dan Shannon, a spokesman for PETA, applauded the Pilgrim's Pride disciplinary action Wednesday at a news conference in Louisville, Ky., but said it doesn't solve the problem.

You think in Louisville they call Kentucky Fried Chicken, just “Fried Chicken?”

“It's a step in the right direction but it's all part of the Band-Aid approach,” he said.

Ugh! I'm sick of these shameless promotions! Fine! When in need of a sticky appendage device I'll use your BRAND NAME product Dan Shannon. Jesus, quit sticking it in my effing face.

Under state law, employees found to have mistreated the animals solely for torture could be charged with felony animal cruelty, which carries a possible prison sentence of one to three years and as much as $5,000 in fines.

I can't believe that torturing a chicken could land somebody in jail for three years!
“Hey Buddy, what are you in for?”
“Me? Oh, murdering and raping a black girl.”
Jesus Christ! That's almost as bad as that guy who tortured a chicken!”
“Which guy that tortured a chicken?”
“Oh, you don't know him. Hey are we having meatloaf tonight?”

KFC spokeswoman Bonnie Warschauer said in a statement Tuesday that KFC told Pilgrim's Pride it will buy no more chickens from its Moorefield plant unless the supplier provides assurances that the abuses are no longer taking place.

I hear that they don't even buy chickens, they just genetically mutate mice to be as big and as tasty as chickens and that's why they call it KFC and not Kentucky Fried Chicken 'cause it's not really chicken at all! It's mice! Of course this article debunks all of my rumors, so nevermind.

KFC also said it has hired an inspector trained in animal welfare investigations whose job will be to prevent similar abuses at the plant.

Unfortunately no inspector in America is trained in animal welfare investigations because that would be downright ludicrous. I mean, I'm DUI hardly ever caught sober, and you's about to get ran the fuck over. Right?

PETA said its investigator at the West Virginia plant also obtained eyewitness testimony about employees “ripping birds' beaks off, spray-painting their faces, twisting their heads off, spitting tobacco into their mouths and eyes, and breaking them in half — all while the birds are still alive.”

“Alright let's play spit chicken basketball. Two-pointers for eye shots and three-pointer if you get it in the eye. Hey Karl, quit breaking that chicken in half! It's not even the fourth quarter yet!”

PETA has been pressuring KFC since last year, when it sued the company and called for a boycott, demanding that KFC require suppliers to treat animals more humanely. The group has recently won similar concessions from other major fast-food chains, including McDonald's and Burger King.

I, for one, can't wait until they put an end to McNugget torture. Yesterday I saw a man viciously dunk his savory nugget into some sort of “sauce” and completely devour the chicken morsel whole! All while still alive! Also, my IQ is 34.


And now a quick joke...

A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.