>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
September 22, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Twinkies Maker Seeking Ch. 11 Protection

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Interstate Bakeries Corp., the nation's largest wholesaler baker whose products include Twinkies and Wonder Bread, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection early Wednesday. The company also named a new chief executive.

Let it be known I've never had a Twinkie in my life. Wait a minute… maybe I'm to blame for this unfortunate circumstance….President Bush said about the War in Iraq.

The electronic filing, made shortly after midnight with the U.S. Bankruptcy Court for the Western District of Missouri in Kansas City, listed assets of $1.626 billion and liabilities of $1.321 billion.

Hmmm 1.321 billion dollars doesn't seem like bankruptcy to me…where could they be hiding those 321 million dollars?!?! *Bites into Twinkie, it's filled with densely-packed twenties instead of cream filling, and actually tastes better this way*

The company said it had a commitment, subject to bankruptcy court approval, from JP Morgan Chase Bank to provide $200 million to pay suppliers, employees and other operating costs during the reorganization. It said it would continue operating its bakeries, outlet stores and distribution centers.

Okay good, because I thought I'd have to use a DIFFERENT bread for my sandwiches, and Wonder Bread is just too darn fluffy. Too, darn, fluffy.

James R. Elsesser, who had been chairman and chief executive officer, resigned both positions effective Wednesday, and the board named Tony Alvarez as CEO, with John Suckow to be chief restructuring officer. Both are with Alvarez & Marsal, a turnaround management firm founded and headed by Alvarez.

John Suckow. John Suck! Ow! Tee hee. Exclamation points make learning fun!!!

Leo Benatar, a member of the board, was elected to be the non-executive chairman.

Enjoy your day in the sun Leo. Not many people get their named mentioned in my article. Especially people with NON-POSITIONS. What's that? You're not reading this because you're important and don't have time for the Internet, much less websites that revolve around college and humor? Okay, you're loss buddy. I suggest after you're finished with Chapter 11 you read Chapter 12. It's called, “Resigning Yourself to Failure.”

“IBC has some of the most recognizable and popular baked breads and sweet goods brands in the nation,” Alvarez said in a statement. “By filing for protection under Chapter 11 and obtaining…financing, the company should have the liquidity, time and resources necessary to thoroughly identify, assess and address the issues that will enable this company to be successful in the future.”

Maybe it's because you guys have had the same effing Twinkie on sale for 90 years! I never see chocolate Twinkie, or strawberry Twinkie or Oreo twin…. wait a minute… WHY AM I GIVING YOU GUYS FREE ADVICE?! IF YOU REALLY WANNA RESTRUCTURE YOU'RE COMPANY, DO ME A FAVOR AND CALL ME! Oh right, the whole…”not reading this article” thing. That's seriously starting to piss me off.

Last month the company missed a second deadline for filing its annual report, after requesting an extension in May because of a series of investigations into its reserve fund for workers' compensation claims.

I lost my glasses in the cream filling! ….President Bush said about the war in Iraq.

The report was due Aug. 27, but the company said it was still not finished because of problems with a financial system it started using in June, uncertainty over results for the current quarter, and questions about its ability to pay its loans this year.

In an official statement made through the company's Press Secretary Ronald D. Gowling, Interstate Bakeries claimed the reasons for missing the deadline for this report was, quote, “Our bad!” end quote.

Interstate, with annual sales of $3.5 billion, operates more than 50 bakeries and employs about 34,000, including 600 of them in the Kansas City area.

300 of them made entirely of cream filling, and 20 of those 300 made entirely of AIDS-infected cream filling. Kinda makes you think…what sort of sick bastard am I?

The company's shares closed at $3.27 on the New York Stock Exchange Tuesday, down 13 cents.

That's almost less than Twinkies themselves cost. I bet they hear that like ALLLL the time.

A call Wednesday morning to Mark Dirkes, vice president for corporate marketing and the company spokesman, was not immediately returned.

Sorry, it's a bit tough answering the phone when you're SLITTING YOUR OWN WRISTS FOR DRIVING ONE OF AMERICA'S LARGEST FOOD COMPANIES STRAIGHT INTO CHAPTER 11 BANKRUPTCY!!! Said George Bush about the….


And now a quick joke...

I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.