>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
August 18, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Europe Is Warned of Changing Climate
By JAN M. OLSEN, Associated Press Writer

COPENHAGEN, Denmark – Rising sea levels, disappearing glaciers in the Alps and more deadly heat waves are coming for Europeans because of global warming, Europe's environmental agency warned Wednesday.

Jesus, Denmark is such a media whore. I bet if New Jersey's governor didn't out himself last week, Denmark would not have released these reports. But you know Denmark, always needing to be on the front page of the news!

The European Environment Agency said much more needs to be done — and fast. Climate change “will considerably affect our societies and environments for decades and centuries to come,” its 107-page report said.

Page 87 read: “No seriously! It's really really really really gonna get hot soon! C'moooon! BELIEVE US!! BELIEVE US ALREADY!!!”

It said rising temperatures could eliminate three-quarters of the Alpine glaciers by 2050 and bring repeats of Europe's mammoth floods two years ago and the heat wave that killed thousands and burned up crops last summer. The rise in sea levels along Europe's coasts is likely to accelerate, it added.

That just means our grandchildren won't have to drive so far to get to the beach. Doesn't seem so bad to me! I HATE waiting in traffic while driving to the beach. *1500 angry Pointsincase.com users
utter: WE HATE “THE BEECH” TOO!!*

Global warming has been evident for years, but the problem is becoming acute, Jacqueline McGlade, executive director of the Copenhagen-based agency, told The Associated Press. “What is new is the speed of change,” she said.

Seriously, it is acuter than a basket of puppies, this problem is! You should have seen this problem yesterday, it was sleeping with a little ribbon! It was absolutely adorably acute!

“It takes a long time to see these changes in the glaciers, at the sea level, so like big tankers turning around, they take a long time to change. But now that we see them changing direction, then it means that there are warning signals in many parts of our life,” she added.

“Who's the acutest problem in the world!?” she continued, “You are! Yes, you are! YES YOU ARE MY LITTLE ACUTEY PATOOTY!”

McGlade said action is needed at all levels in Europe — continental, regional, national and local. She said, for example, that European nations should insist climate change be on the agenda of international free-trade talks.

“We will not export to Cuba unless they make it colder in here! Seriously, its like 39 degrees Celsius outside and I am shvitzing like a yenta in heat! OY!”

Greenpeace welcomed the report. Flooding, heat waves and melting glaciers “make people become more and more aware of the consequences of global warming,” Steve Sawyer of Greenpeace International told AP.

“God I hope an entire country bursts into flames, because there's no better wake up call than the smell of a few hundred million charred corpses. Hey are you gonna eat that pita?”

Global warming is believed to be intensified by human activities, in particular emissions of heat-trapping greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide from the burning of fossil fuels.

If the dinosaurs didn't want us to burn their fossils for energy then they wouldn't have died! Isn't that right, God?! *In a noise that could be heard in every language: Yes.*

The European Union has been a leader in pushing for implementation of the Kyoto Protocol a U.N. pact drawn up in 1997 to combat climate change by reducing carbon-dioxide emissions worldwide in 2010 to 8 percent below 1990 levels.

If you rearrange the letters in Kyoto Protocol it spells “Tokyo? Cool Port!” Think about it.

So far 123 countries, including all 25 EU members, have ratified the pact, but it isn't in effect because it hasn't reached the required level of nations accounting for 55 percent of the industrialized world's emissions. The United States, the world's biggest emitter of greenhouse gases, hasrefused to ratify, arguing the agreement would hurt its economy, and Russia also hasn't signed.

Seriously though, why does everybody hate us?! *Fanning myself with forty $100 bills*

Wednesday's report, “Impacts of Europe's Changing Climate,” urges that the Kyoto Protocol be adopted, saying climate changes “will considerably affect our societies and environments for decades and centuries to come.”

To which America replied “Didn't you hear us? IT'LL HURT OUR ECONOMY! Jesus, it's like you guys just don't get it, do you!”

It said the 1990s were the warmest decade on record, and the three hottest years recorded — 1998, 2002 and 2003 — occurred in the last six years, with the average global temperature now rising at almost 0.36 degrees per decade.

Yeah, 1998 WAS kinda hot…. I remember that.

The report said melting shrank glaciers in the Alps by 10 percent in 2003 alone and predicted three-quarters of them could be gone altogether by 2050. European sea levels have been rising by 0.03-0.12 inches a year over the last century, it said, and the rate of increase could be two to four times faster during this century.

Oh mother of God. You realize that in TEN YEARS the sea level in Europe can be up to ONE INCH HIGHER THAN IT IS NOW!! *Heads for the hills…single earthworm yawns*


Community: View our Submissions page for article and list guidelines.
Education: Punch up your comedy writing and technique with PIC's Coaching and Feedback.