It will probably begin along these lines: on a lamer-than-usual Friday/Saturday when you have little or nothing better to do, someone will mention that a friend of a friend of a whore that you know through Facebook is having a party. You’ll waffle throughout the day over whether or not to go until a lack of other options forces you to realize you’ve got no other options. Entering a party environment where you don’t know the hosts can be treacherous and odiferous territory. However, equipped with the following knowledge, not only can you prosper within these parameters, but with some practice and a little luck, perhaps someday even come to dominate them.

Show up late.

You need to show up late so that your otherwise unwanted presence goes as unnoticed as possible to start off with. By showing up late you not only allow for as many people as possible to blend in with, but as much alcohol as possible to inebriate anyone who would otherwise care. The time of arrival at a college party is affected by many factors, such as the viability of the party getting busted, or the keg tapping out, so you need to strike a careful balance when planning out your timing. Let’s shoot for elevenish, which will give you plenty of time to…

Do some research.

Facebook whoever is throwing the party in an attempt to gauge what the party might be like. If necessary, start with the whore that you’re acquainted with and trace it back through the friend of a friend. If there’s a MySpace/Facebook event set up for this party, you’re golden. Information is power people. Make sure to read the event’s description as well as the entire guest list, the people coming, the people who aren’t, and yes, even the people in that stupid “Maybe Attending” category (like me!). I click “Maybe Attending” to every event I’m invited to because it makes me feel glamorous like Zsa Zsa Gábor.

“Never show up empty-handed to a party you weren’t even invited to.”

Back to the issue at hand… don’t forget to read the wall for the event either; it usually lists the reasons why people aren’t coming. If any of the posts read “Dan! I won’t be able to make it I’ll be in Florida with the ‘rents, but next herpes support group meeting I am totally there!!! < 3 –Stacy” then don’t forget to buy a dental dam. Don’t worry though, stopping off for some prophylactics will afford you the chance to…

Get some party favors.

And I don’t mean those little hats with the string that go around your chin. The best thing to bring to a party is alcohol. Now I know what your thinking, why would I bring alcohol to a party that I was hoping would provide it for me in the first place? I gonna let you in on huge secret here people: bringing alcohol to a party is a practice I wholly endorse and which has worked for me throughout the years time and time again.

By bringing alcohol to the party you open up some doors for yourself, first and foremost the one that prevents you from looking like a total jackass for showing up empty-handed to a party you weren’t even invited to. The backlash for this move, even in the worst cases, is never something that can’t be cured by a cold imported beer or two.

And that’s what I suggest you arm yourself with: a sixer of some good beer. If you’re at all worried about being accosted by the host for showing up, look the asshole right in the face, immediately hand him a beer, and don’t say a word. If this doesn’t get him off your ass, pause dramatically and then slowly pull out a second beer and give him the “what the fuck do you want from me” face while shrugging your shoulders like a Jewish person. If he still doesn’t accept you’re offering, then unfortunately it’s fight or flight time, because you should never trust a man who willingly accepts more than two beers from a stranger anyway.

Beer can also be used to get yourself out of a cover charge—just tell the guy running the door that you brought your own and don’t plan on drinking anything else. It’s easy as shit to find those beautiful red Solos once your inside, and how is he to know stuck out on the porch like a corncob bird feeder. If he busts your balls, try the same two- beer routine I was talking about earlier. But whatever you do, remember to ask him his name. That way, if anyone tries to give you trouble later on you can name drop the hell out of them. For example: “These are your Lean Pockets? Sorry man, Corncob out on the porch told me the cover got me all the beer I wanted plus these Ham & Cheddar Lean Pockets on the counter.” If shit hits the fan, just go hard with the door keep, because going hard over microwavable sandwiches is gangsta as shit, which will in turn make you look cool. Just like when you…

Ignore the womenfolk, at least to begin with.

This will accomplish two things: first, it will keep the party throwers off your back because they won’t think of you as a threat to their potential mating/beer pong partners. Second, in a sick twist of fate, this usually results in making girls like you more. It’s some fucked up shit I know, but if you need some guidance on this subject, I might be able to help you out. After you catch up on my material like one of my shitty ass friends right before they hang out with me, you can start to…

Take the party to the next level.

You should have a couple of other things in your car to crash the party with, including: a beer bong, a handle of rail and a chaser, a large joint, and maybe even a spare thirty as funds permit. You will already have gauged the relative tempo, scope, and size of the party per step two, so that will largely dictate what you may or may not need.

If it’s an all out rager, you can’t have enough intoxicants. The beer bong will be a huge hit with the rowdy frat boys, the handle of rail and chaser will get you in with the girls, and the spare thirty is for when the dweebs running the show are out of beer. Wait for desperation to sink in and then waltz triumphantly back in the front door with the thirty banger on your shoulder, and save the fatty-fatty stiff-stiff for the end of the night when everything is just starting to wind down. You’ll be a living legend before 2am rolls around.

Again, feel free to pass on the use of any of this equipment if the party isn’t up to snuff, because there’s absolutely no reason to waste good alcohol and drugs on a bunch of losers—losers who aren’t your friends anyway.

Armed with the knowledge I have provided you in this most elegant diatribe, you will find yourself sitting pretty at your next frat, field, or female mud-wrestling party. With that in mind there is only one thing to remember: If you happen to run into me next time your crashing a get-together, I shall require a cold Yuengling and some of your Fatty Lumpkin if you don’t want me to rat you out.