First Lecture

Day one of specialized courses on human awkwardness and uncomfortable situations.

See more

Welcome, pernicious progenitors! Today we’ll learn how to sow emotional chaos within your grandchild, years—nay decades—after your demise.

These techniques are only for the most dastardly, most unrepentantly evil of grandmothers. Are you sinister enough? Do you love watching your children’s children suffer beneath your cheek pinching fingers? Do you relish the insulin whiplash of their little metabolisms as they devour the Werther’s Originals from your hand? Do you treasure the flush of embarrassment on their chubby faces when you assault them with hyperbolic praise?

If so, you may be malevolent enough for these dark teachings.

The focus of today’s lecture will be long-term distress. Because why make a grandchild suffer for a day, when you can distress him for half a century? With these strategies, you can scorch your mark of corruption upon the soul of your grandchild for his entire adult life! Mwahahahahaha!

Technique 1: Whenever that little grand-shit of yours trespasses in your lair, feed him too many sweets. Marginally too many. Ply him mildly with donuts, Twinkies, Skittles, and rice crispy treats—anything his parents won’t let him buy at the grocery store. Just sit back and cackle as he chokes on your saccharine poison! He’ll come to associate the sweetness of the candy with the sweetness of your grandmotherly demeanor, and decades later, a mere handful of Skittles will trigger a memory of you and bring about a delicious episode of grief! How wicked!

Technique 2: If your grand-victim skins his knee at a t-ball game, viciously swipe the tears from his face with your crimson claws and then squeeze the life from him. Hug the breath from his lungs so crushingly that he nears suffocation. Done properly, every hug he receives after your death will be a bitter disappointment compared to yours! Sweet despair!

Technique 3: Enthrall your grand-fool with stories of your childhood, when your family was poor and life was much more difficult, so his admiration of you grows to mythic proportions. After you kick the bucket he will realize all other human beings, without fail, fall short of you in terms of strength, kindness and dignity. But now you’re gone! Oh how he will suffer! Utterly villainous!

Technique 4: Tell the little cretin how much you love him—constantly. Just constantly. Tell him so often he has no choice but to accept it as a universal truth of existence, like the presence of the sun, or the passage of time. When you have shuffled this mortal coil the absence of your affection in his life will leave a gaping hole that nothing will ever fill! Glorious pain!

Technique 5: Support your grand-idiot’s talents and dreams to such an angelic extent that any success he achieves, no matter how significant, will fall short of what he feels your spirit deserves from him. This will send him into rum-drenched spirals of self-loathing more than once! Foul deeds!

Technique 6: When a neighbor lady yells at your grand-twit for playing football in her yard, march over there and yell that hag into the dirt so he knows you’ve always got his back. That way, when you’re dead, he’ll still feel like you have his back, from heaven, but feeling that will cause him to miss you—intensely! Oh, how ignobly vile!

Technique 7: When you’re nearing the end, give the jackass several items of sentimental value, like a rosary from your childhood and a figurine that looks a lot like you with your arms spread for a hug, and tell him he should always remember you by them. The numbskull will display them prominently in his home office. Looking at them will give him a warm feeling—followed by a deep, intense sadness! Wondrous malevolence! Bile, pestilence and tribulation!

Now go, my wicked disciples! Go forth, and sow chaos within the hearts of your grandchildren! Nurture your victims into an eternity of despair!