A Realistic Introduction to Your New Peloton Stationary Bike
Instructor Kate knows you won’t make it past two months on this bike, but she also knows you need her positive energy to have any chance at all.
How to Look Like You Know Where You’re Going When You Clearly Don’t
Think something along the lines of “My oven is on!” or “I have a deadline to meet!” hold up your index finger in the air, and abruptly turn around.
How to Change Your Whole Vibe by Carrying an Umbrella
Umbrella guy controls his own narrative. Whatever secrets lie in wait within his collapsible shield, he’s not telling. His mystique is undeniable.
I’m an SEC-Football-Turned-Bumble Coach and Your Offense Is Trash
Your dating game plan is dogshit. I haven’t seen an operation this shit-tier since my first job at Southwestern Louisiana A&M Poly Tech State.
Managing the Growing Expectations and Emotional Burden of Three Spotify Playlist Subscribers
While my playlist has exploded, so too have the expectations of my fans. Artistically, I’m under pressure. Personally—I’m in the danger zone.
The Joys and Challenges of Owning a Pet Wasp
No need for crates or kennels. Your wasp will gather creepy residues from the shadows of your home and construct a lair for itself, all on its own.
How to Assert Yourself When a Buick Cuts Off Your Sick Subaru WRX
Your blood boils and your molars grind. Your throat rumbles with a primal growl. Now put those feelings into a five-step plan of action.
How to Ensure Your Grandchild Suffers for Decades After Your Passing
Are you sinister enough? Do you relish the insulin whiplash of your grand-twit's metabolism as he devours a Werther’s Originals from your hand?
How to React to an Ugly Baby
Step 1: Show your authentic surprise. When you unexpectedly encounter an infantile grotesquerie like that one over there, you will feel shocked.
Tending the Register of a College Town Liquor Store
You too would like to manage the front desk of a dilapidated alcohol peddler who mostly sells Malibu rum to teenagers with fake IDs.
How to Deny Basic Facts
Alternative facts are just as good as regular facts. Better, even, because the only limit is your imagination!
How to Apologize for Your Racist Dog
How many of you have dogs who display selective aggression towards people of races other than your own? Everyone again. Frustrating, isn’t it?