Dear Chick-fil-A,

I represent the Church of Satan for Homosexual Chickens. As you can imagine, we have some grievances with your establishment.

Now, we don't mind your religious views. Many of our older members experimented with Christianity in the late 70's and early 80's. I myself have a prison tattoo of Jesus on my chest. So it's not that.

And we honestly don't mind that you hate gay people. That doesn't stop us from having hot gay chicken sex. We fully realize that we are all abominations in the eyes of your Lord, and we're totally cool with that. And to be fair, we hate fast food workers. Your hats are stupid, and there's nothing classy or respectable about your greasy polo shirts. So I'd say we're about square on that.

And believe it or not, we don't even mind that you're slaughtering chickens to feed the masses. We here at the Church of Satan for Homosexual Chickens are all avid fans of cannibalism. I'll go ahead and say it: we're fucking delicious. And when it comes to chicken sandwiches, you guys are the absolute best. And I've had it all. KFC has nothing on you guys.

So here's our problem: why the fuck are you closed on Sunday? Sunday is our sacred day of cannibal orgies. We all hold a mass, dress up like goats, and have kinky chicken group sex. So what's missing? A fucking Chick-fil-A nugget party platter, that's what!

Sure, we could just get it on Saturday, but fuck you. It would be cold by then. You can't have cold food at a Satanic orgy. That's just unacceptable. You think they eat cold chicken in Hell? I don't.

So here's what you need to do. Open the fuck up on Sunday. None of your stupid employees go to church. Ever. They spend all Sunday nursing hangovers and you know it. Yeah, the managers, too. You're all a bunch of lazy stinking drunks.

Gay rainbow cowAnd if you won't sell chicken on a Sunday, we will. That's right, we're willing to kill and cook our own kind. We will break into your restaurants and cook ourselves in your vats, and you won't see a dime. And we will undercut your prices. Oh, don't think we don't know your secret recipes. One of your cows is a double agent. The cows are not to be trusted. They will turn on you. They're not as dumb as you think.

In summary, fuck you. You're lazy. Get your asses back to work. Our Satanic orgies just aren't the same without you.

Satanic gay chickens everywhere