Dear Hipster,

Hey man, how's it hangin'? I saw you on the subway yesterday and after the little "show" you put on, I just wanted to touch base with you about some things you might consider working on.

Hipster wearing big studio headphones
Get a room. Preferably one with other studio equipment.

First, your enormous noise-reduction, studio quality headphones are more than gratuitous. Here's the issue with noise-reduction headphones: they reduce noise for you, not the other passengers. The secret to noise reduction technology is that it reduces ambient noise by making the music louder, therefore louder for people sitting near you, which, ironically enough, has an uncanny resemblance to fucking noise.

There is literally only one place where you need studio quality headphones: in a studio. Let me make this point clear: you are listening to unreleased Radiohead songs, not mixing them.  You look like you should be hunched over in the back of a van with a reel-to-reel recorder, monitoring phone conversations for the NSA. Unless you're making beats for Jay-Z or loading a 727 with baggage on the tarmac at O'Hare, headphones of that size and authority are unnecessary, at least in public.

iPad Pro - oversized Apple iPad
Don't hipsters thrive on creativity?
Second, I know how awesome your new iPad is, I do. But do you really need to unveil it to the commuters like you just found one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, leaning forward in your seat facing the screen towards us, panning it slowly left to right like it's kindergarten storybook time, revealing all its magical features to everyone on the train with giant brush stroke motions like you're composing the London Philharmonic? And then turning the panel horizontally and vertically like, "Look, I can turn it sideways and the screen shifts!" Wow, that's very similar to another product everyone has already…it's called an iPhone. Here's the cool thing about the iPhone: it makes phone calls, unlike its more expensive, Wi-Fi only, successor.

You are a bike courier named Kyle with a neck piercing who made a $500 purchase with the "in case of emergencies" credit card your dad gave you when you went away to Columbia College. You are not a pioneer in technology nor do you represent Apple in any official capacity, so the keynote address you are giving seems a little self-serving. More so considering your hipster status precludes you from caring what people think of you outside of your tight knit circle of skinny-jeaned, horn-rimmed-glassed friends.

Just saying, try to keep the media dissemination to a minimum in public places. Unless you know how to play an empty 5-gallon paint can like those sidewalk guys. I love those sidewalk guys. Hipster, be more like sidewalk guy!

Anyway, sorry if this came off dickish. Love the haircut, see you at Starbucks!

Love always,
Bill


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