So you'd like to become a rich, oversexed druglord/arms dealer, huh? Well you've come to the right place. Welcome to the internet, a magical land where everything is absolutely free and totally legal. Anything is possible here. You could purchase a nuclear warhead strapped to an albino elephant and have a 12-year-old Filipino tranny ride it straight to your door. You could hire a clown to kill your parents while singing showtunes. And you can watch people fuck donkeys all day long.

Here are some of the many questionable things you can do online, with complete instructions and pro-tips.

Buying and Selling Drugs on the Black Market

1. Give out personal information.

Two chickens holding guns
The Black Market: So simple, even chicks can figure it out.
Because how else are the drug dealers/users going to find you? Be sure to mention exactly what and how much you're trying to buy or sell. Most people will tell you that it's a bad idea to post your name, age, race, address, and email address on forums while soliciting illegal drugs from anonymous strangers on the internet. But 4LL U H4V3 2 D0 1Z TYP3 L1EK TH1S. Because that shit is like super secret spy code. Nobody can figure that shit out. At least, not cops, right? They have to hire special translators, and that costs the tax payers thousands of dollars.

2. Unlearn to spell.

In order for written evidence to be admissible in court, it must be spelled correctly. So as long as you say something like, "d00d, i cant spel so yall mofos cant arrest me bitch i'm buyin cokane from da mayor!" you won't go to jail, and the mayor will not be implicated in any scandals. No, really. It's true. If you're punctuation and grammar is wrong; you cant be held accountable for anything you says. This is why internet criminals is turrible spellars.

3. Admit you have no idea what you're doing.

People are helpful by nature, and more than willing to teach you all the secret details of their illegal profession. By openly attempting to buy and sell drugs on the internet despite your complete lack of careful discretion, realistic paranoia, and criminal savvy, you're breaking the ice and giving other idiots the courage to follow.

4. Believe everything you read on the internet.

Like this article, for example. If it wasn't true, why hasn't it been taken down yet? Exactly. So it must be good advice. If it can be Googled, it can be trusted.

Getting Laid on the Black Market

1. Try everybody.

Statistically speaking, it has too work. If it doesn't, you're not trying hard enough. Don't limit yourself to dating sites. Hit on anything with a comment box. And don't bother having standards, either. Standards are for people who get laid offline (and even then, it's optional). Remember, you're trying to fuck someone halfway across the world based on a thumbnail picture and four sentences. So don't flake out at the last minute because they're too old, fat, ugly, or mysteriously gendered.

2. Be ready to travel.

Can't get laid in your hometown? Try Russia. Mexico. Thailand. The whores are always easier on the other side of the fence. Speak to them in a broken parody of their native tongue. You big cock, girls think sexy. Find out where they live and just show up. Naked.

3. Get out your credit card.

In many cultures, this is how people greet each other. It is considered extremely rude to withhold this information.

4. Don't take "Hell no" for an answer.

After all, what's the worst that can happen? Mace? Mace is for lightweights. Man up, pussy. Wear your restraining orders like battle scars. Chicks dig scars.

Hiring Assassins on the Black Market

1. Establish a motive.

Hitmen follow a sacred code of honor. Because of this, they refuse to take on any job before the client has thoroughly expressed in explicit detail their desire to have the target killed. Write a 500-2000 word essay explaining why you want to make your intended victim die, and all the ways you would benefit from it. Sign it with your own blood. Be sure to include a thumbprint.

2. Tell them how to do their job.

Assassins are experienced professionals, but that doesn't mean they're not open to new ideas. Make a detailed and informative slideshow presentation of how YOU would go about killing your target. If they use your ideas, you get a ten percent discount.

3. Put up an ad at the police station.*

Hitmen spend a lot of time in and out of jail, so police station bulletin boards are the best way to get their attention. This is especially true if they're fresh out of prison looking for work.

*I don't know what the internet equivalent of a police station is, so just roll with it.

4. Offer to pay in drugs and/or underage sex slaves.

It's what they like. Besides, you should already know how to get them by now.

And there you have it. Everything you ever needed to know to get you started on your new path of adventure!

Disclaimer: I can't believe you're stupid enough to need a disclaimer. Shouldn't you be in court right now?