I think I have figured out a way to save the Earth. Having just performed a blind taste test on 6000 people regarding 200 various liquids based on drinkability, it turns out that ocean water comes in at #183 on the charts, fitting snugly between horse semen and Bud Light Clamato. The most common response to drinking the brackish lager? "What the fuck, man? I'm outta here. This isn't even worth the $15 compensation."

Let's face it: ocean water tastes like shit. But what if it didn't? What if we could figure out a way to make it a refreshing cocktail?

That's right, we must fight the rising sea levels by drinking them. We must be able to rejoice in the frothy goodness of a melting polar icecap, otherwise, the outlook is bleak because the West coast will become the East coast in all parts of the world. If we are going to save the world, we are going to have to Brita that shit.

Let's give massive government subsidies to the filtered water industry to provide everyone with a special cup to fight this world crisis. Of course, we will have to mandate that every citizen drink an Olympic size swimming pool's worth every two weeks. And we will have to set up a new government agency and build them the tallest building ever built so that they can see over all of us. But that's just standard procedure to make sure everyone is doing their part.

Sure, things will be different. Hyponatremia, the water toxicity troll that will visit thousands if not millions of people, will become the new media buzzword, and will eventually turn into the most Googled word ever. But we will survive. As a species we will be better for it. I'm sick of all of these people not being able to handle their drink anyway.

Yes, there will be massive rises in piss. But you never hear about the urine levels rising and overtaking a metropolis. That's what a toilet is for. It's a portal into a different dimension where we have always dumped our waste. Problem already solved.

I say our society should then pollute twice as much and really stick it to Mother Nature and her stupid troublemaking. Let's drink ourselves to safety under a thick, comforting cloud of smog. We will have outsmarted global warming. Just imagine a world where we could actually have a use for oceans other than as a place to dump bodies.

If you still aren't convinced, imagine the collateral effect of curing fatal, dehydration-induced diarrhea in 3rd world countries. The solution is coming—get thirsty.

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