>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
September 1, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Florida Calls for Hurricane Evacuations

MIAMI – Hundreds of thousands of people were told Wednesday to get ready to evacuate as powerful Hurricane Frances crept closer to Florida just weeks after Hurricane Charley's rampage. It would be the worst double hurricane strike on one state in at least a century.

If it were really a double hurricane STRIKE, wouldn't the hurricanes be picketing and REFUSE to destroy houses unless their demands are met?! JUUUUST KIDDING!!! *Laughing as houses/cows fly behind me*

Generators were hefted off store shelves, along with water, canned goods and other emergency supplies as forecasters warned the core of the Category 4 storm with 140-mph top sustained winds was due along Florida's Atlantic coast late Friday or early Saturday. Charley left billions of dollars in damage and 27 people dead when it swept across the peninsula Aug. 13.

I wonder if you could drive outside at 140 mph at the same direction as the hurricane and open your windows and it would just feel like you're not moving at all. That is, until the wind switches direction on you, making the wind feel like 280 mph and your body/corpse will be flung into the nearest power line.

“I can't emphasize enough how powerful this is. If there's something out there that's going to weaken it, we haven't seen it,” National Hurricane Center director Max Mayfield said.

Wha? Is he talking about a superhero or something? I don't understand.

About 300,000 residents in coastal areas of Palm Beach County were told to evacuate starting 2 p.m. Thursday.

1:58… 1:59… Okay, NOW you can evacuate. Hey where'd everybody go?!

In Rockledge, about 45 miles southeast of Orlando, Brevard County told at least 50,000 residents to start evacuating mobile homes and barrier islands Thursday afternoon. In Stuart about 85 miles south, Martin County planned to urge up to 7,500 residents to evacuate low-lying areas starting at noon Thursday. More evacuation orders along Florida's east coast were likely.

How can that many trailer homes amass billions of dollars in damage? Yet September 11th only amassed like 12 dollars in damage. (September 11th, 2002!)

The Kennedy Space Center planned to close Thursday and Friday to allow workers time to board up their homes and evacuate if necessary, said NASA spokesman George Diller. Helicopters and planes left Patrick Air Force Base.

Woo Hoo! Four day weekend!

Craig Fugate, director of the state Division of Emergency Management, said steps were being taken to prepare for large-scale evacuations, including possibly reversing lanes of some highways to accommodate fleeing coastal residents.

This lane is for panicked driving only! *Pointing to a lane that instead of straight lines has curvy lines of fear dividing it from other lanes*

Frances was nearing the Bahamas with steady strength, but it was expected to fluctuate in intensity and could become a Category 5 storm with top sustained winds of 156 mph or higher, forecasters said. The storm could hit anywhere from South Florida to South Carolina as early as late Friday.

I'm sorry, by “Late Friday” do you mean the show that used to come on after Conan? No? Okay sorry for asking. Continue.

Hurricane-force winds extended up to about 80 miles from Frances' center, making it about twice the width of Charley and increasing the possibility for damage, forecasters said.

Wouldn't it be crazy if your name was Charley Frances McHurricane? And you were fat and windy? And a hurricane?

“The lessons of these storms are that all the science in the world and all the technology in the world isn't going to be able to pinpoint exactly where the storm goes,” Gov. Jeb Bush cautioned.

“Then again, I'm a Bush, so I don't know anything about science OR technology. Are you gonna eat that donut?”

Records from the last century show no two Category 4 storms with winds of 131-155 mph hitting a state within weeks of each other, hurricane center meteorologist Rick Knabb said.

Oh well if RICK KNABB says so then WE HAVE TO BELIEVE IT. But where was “RICK KNABB” when ADOLF HITLER KILLED OVER 11 MILLION PEOPLE?! You guessed it: An Indian Casino.

The last time two major hurricanes hit Florida in rapid succession was 1950. Hurricane Easy hit Tampa around Sept. 4 of that year and Hurricane King hit Miami six weeks later on Oct. 17. They were Category 3 storms.

Oh man, how much cooler are THOSE names. Although, it is rather ironic that Hurricane Easy was so difficult to deal with, and Hurricane King ruled no country.

Nancy Cuffaro, whose home and pizza restaurant were damaged by Charley, said she was hoping Frances would spare the area still cleaning up and recovering emotionally. She is in Port Charlotte in hard-hit southwest Florida; the greatest danger from Frances is along the state's east coast.

Cuffaro has been so torn up by Charley that she hasn't even been able to make her famous “Hawaiian Delight” pizza again yet. Although she did say emotional recovery is now in “The Works.” 

“I know we can't withstand too much. I really don't know what to think here. I'm lost. It's starting to get to me,” said Cuffaro, whose restaurant still didn't have electricity Wednesday.

“Seriously, four more hurricanes, then I'm moving. Okay maybe five.”

A Home Depot to the south in Florida City, ground zero during Hurricane Andrew 12 years ago, more than doubled its daily sales, ran out of generators and plywood and pushed $50,000 worth of lumber out the doors Tuesday, said Lisa Ftiffler, assistant store manager.

Hmm…Home Depot seems to PROFIT from these Hurricanes. I did some investigating and found out that Dick Cheney's holding company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns a 51% stake in Home Depot and that GW Bush once served as the Chairman of the Board to Home Depot's subsidiary company “Freagle, McDougle, and Spivy.” Coincidence?!?!

“We are completely out of stock of plywood,” she said Wednesday. “We are waiting on another truck. We have people since 5 a.m. waiting for generators and the plywood.”

Why does she just ASSUME this is because of the hurricane? Can't NORMAL people just wait from 5AM for some generators and plywood without being pigeonholed into these “desperate characters?” I mean what if they are just building a wooden case for their new generator? Are they automatically terrorists?!

North Miami Beach resident Lorraine Lewis bought a small cooking stove in case of emergency but wasn't planning to stick around long enough to use it.

Because when Armageddon hits, where will YOUR easy bake oven be?

“I have water and plastic and a plane ticket,” she said. She said she bought the ticket to New York on Wednesday, planned to cover her furniture with plastic and get out. “It will be too hot staying here without light for days.”

Yes…plastic for the furniture and a plane ticket to New York…but what about THE WATER?! Ms. Lewis has a lot of explaining to do, because last I checked…weren't hurricanes made of water?!

At 2 p.m., Frances was centered about 60 miles east-northeast of Grand Turk Island southeast of the Bahamas and 700 miles east-southeast of Palm Beach. It was moving west-northwest at around 15 mph.

Okay I'm just gonna go ahead and suggest something. I'm gonna throw it out there, play around with it, lemme know what you think. If you like it you like it, if not, you don't. No hard feelings. Umm…a giant wall. There, I said it.

With top sustained winds of 145 mph, Charley destroyed or heavily damaged more than 30,000 homes and did an estimated $7.4 billion in insured damage. It was the worst natural disaster to hit Florida since Andrew caused $15.5 billion in insured damage and killed 15 people.

Ugh FIIIINE, I'll cut you a check. Jesus…how much do you need? 23 billion? Here, I'll make it out to CASH, but don't deposit it yet, I haven't received my paycheck this week. What? Oh no, it'll come it's just…ugh, it's a long story. You've got the time to hear it? Well I don't have the time to tell it. Why is it always about you?! How about, “Hi, how are you doing?” I mean, I'm giving you 23 billion dollars, the least you could do is…. WHAT?!?! ME SUPERFICIAL?!?! You know what fine! *Rips up check* Now you don't get ANYTHING! HAPPY?!?


And now a quick joke...

I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.