"Hello?"

"Hey babe, it's me. I just checked into the motel. This place is a shit-hole."

"Hey baby, I was just thinking about you. I can't believe you're gonna be gone all week."

"Oh, you'll be fine. I'll be back before you know it."

"Well who's gonna fuck me while you're gone?"

"You could try the pool boy."

Seedy motel room made of wood
Remember: they don't wash the comforter, only the sheets…
"We don't have a pool. Can't you come home early? Please?"

"Wish I could, babe, but this is business. You know that."

"I know. I'm just so drunk and horny right now."

"You're always drunk and horny. That's why I like you."

"Yeah, yeah, shut up. You know you love it. Hey…I got an idea."

"Alright, I'm listening."

"Let's have phone sex."

"Phone sex?"

"Yeah, come on, it'll be hot!"

"I don't know."

"Your meeting isn't until tomorrow morning, right? Come on, just do it for me."

"Well, okay. But you go first."

You don't wanna go outside naked, this is a bad neighborhood. Some crackhead was out there earlier trying to sell me some stolen DVDs. "Okay. So, um…you're all alone in the motel room. You're sitting on the bed. You're watching porn and you're starting to get hard."

"What kind of porn am I watching? It's not that soft core Cinemax shit with Shannon Tweed, is it? Because if I see one more blurry lens montage of—"

"Oh no no no no…it's, um…I don't know…Sarah Palin getting gangbanged by midgets."

"Now that I can work with. Keep going."

"Yeah, so you're like, watching porn and touching your junk. And those dwarves are just tearing that bitch up. There's seven of them. And Sarah Palin's dressed up like…which one fucks the dwarves, was that Cinderella?"

"Snow White."

"No, I'm pretty sure it was Cinderella."

"Whichever."

"And you just get, like, really super horny and whip out your dick and start jacking it. But then you stop because there's a knock at the door."

"Is it the pizza I ordered?"

"No. It's the whore you ordered. Me. AND I brought pizza."

"Nice."

"I'm wearing these, like, whore boots and a trench coat. And I take off the trench coat and I'm naked!"

"That's hot."

"Shit, I forgot the pizza, though."

"I thought you brought it inside with you."

"No, I left it in the car. I'll go get it real quick."

"What, naked? You don't wanna go outside naked, this is a bad neighborhood. Some crackhead was out there earlier trying to sell me some stolen DVDs."

"Did he have anything good?"

"Well, he did have Five Deadly Venoms and The Matrix, but I already got those. He was trying to push a House Party boxed set on me. He wanted ten bucks for it."

"I might've given him five."

"Yeah, I tried five, he didn't go for it."

"Huh. Okay, yeah, so anyway…I grab my coat to go get the pizza. But then there's another knock at the door!"

"Is it another whore? Do I get a three-way?"

"Why do you want a three-way?"

"That question makes no sense to me."

"Okay, whatever, it's another whore."

"Blonde or brunette?"

"She has a cock."

"No! It's a trap!"

"Yep. And he takes off the wig and you're like, oh shit, I know this guy!"

"Is it Steve? The guy I used to beat up in sixth grade? I was just a kid! Don't kill me Lady Steve! I'm sorry!"

"No. It's not Steve. It's, um…Norman Bates!"

"What the fuck!? I wanna complain to the manager!"

"He is the manager."

"Oh, right, I guess that would make sense."

"So anyway, he's got a knife! What do you do?"

"Um…"

"Um is not the right answer. Um gets you stabbed in the head."

"Um…"

"Great. Way to be dead when I need you to protect me. Now I'm gonna get raped and killed by the creepy old guy. Thanks a lot."

"Well…maybe my ghost can help."

"Yay! Ghost boyfriend!"

"How drunk are you?"

"This many."

"Are you…are you pointing to something? Because I can't actually see that over the phone."

"I'm pointing to my boobs. Because they're awesome."

"Yes they are. Tell them I said hi."

"Okay. They miss you."

"I miss them, too."

"Yeah okay, so anyway you're dead and Norman Bates is staring at me because I'm all hot and naked. What should I do, ghost boyfriend?"

"Well…do you have any weapons?"

"Nope. Just dildos."

"Guess that'll have to do. What about a whip?"

"YES! I do have a whip! I can tie the dildos to the whip while he's busy stabbing you and having sex with your dead body!"

"Dildo whip, perfect. Wait, why is he fucking my corpse?"

"Because he's crazy. Duh."

"Well, make him stop, I don't wanna watch that. Back me up, here."

"What should I do?"

"Use the dildo whip! Fuck him up!"

"Yeah! First I'll hit him in the skull until he passes out! Then I'll bite off his ear and stab out his eyes with my heels!"

"Uh…baby?"

"And smash out his teeth and break all his fingers and cut off his dick!"

"Baby, you're frightening me."

"Okay, we're safe now. He's dead. What should we do now, ghost boyfriend? I'm still naked, by the way."

"Um…I guess…you could…suck my ghost cock?"

"Good idea! Okay, so…I take off your ghost pants…"

"Ghost pants?"

"Yeah, because you died wearing pants. So your pants died with you and now they're ghost pants."

"I'm not even going to question that."

"I grab your ghost cock and start stroking it. It's huge."

"Yeah, huge, got it. Can ghosts even get handjobs? Wouldn't your hand just pass through?"

"Oh yeah. Huh. Oh, I know! I can pantomime it!"

"Sure, why not."

"But I can't do it with dead Norman Bates in the room. You gotta help me move his body!"

"But I'm a ghost. All I can do is slam doors and break dishes."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Hmm."

"Huh."

"Wow, we really suck at this."

"Yeah."

"Wanna just email me some cock pictures?"

"Yeah, that sounds easier, let's just do that."

Continue to Adventures in Phone Sex, Part 2: The Porno Picnic of Hot Fuck Forest »


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