1. "No."

Come to think of it…who ever actually likes hearing no? Probably not a lot of people, however, the word "no" is something that weighs a little more heavily on a person during finals. "No, you can't have an extension," sucks a little bit more than, "No, you can't have an Oreo cookie."

Do Not Enter road signsI'm starting to reach a point where I'm so sick of people telling me "no," that I want to tell them in advance, if they're going to tell me anything other than "yes," not to even bother responding. I might as well make that my email signature, just to make my life a little simpler.

2. "I'm sorry."

This usually follows the "no." I didn't realize how much the phrase "I'm sorry" bothered me (I mean isn't it supposed to make you feel better?) until my boyfriend sent it to me in a text message about half an hour ago. His text got me thinking about how I didn't want an "I'm sorry," and that it does not, in fact, make me feel any better. If anything, it makes me more annoyed (just to clear his name, my boyfriend didn't do anything that wrong, he was pretty much just apologizing for not having service), which proves how much I hate hearing this stupid phrase. Normally I would say, "Don't do anything to be sorry for," now I want to say, "Don't apologize when you didn't do anything wrong." That, and, well, "Don't do anything wrong."

3. "Smile."

Ali Wisch fingers over mouthReally? How about, fuck you. I smile. I smile all the freaking time. If I'm not smiling right now, there's probably a good reason for it, like the fact that I just failed my math exam. And if you don't know that reason, you probably shouldn't tell me to smile. Telling somebody to smile during finals is like telling someone to sit still and stay calm while you saw off their foot.

4. "You look tired."

Oh do I? Thanks for pointing that out. Maybe it's because I haven't slept in two weeks, seen the outside of the library, or been able to force anything into my body besides coffee and…yeah, coffee, that's it.

Ali Wisch with sunglassesSpeaking of coffee, the other day my friend and I popped into Starbucks on our way to school. We each ordered an ugly amount of espresso hoping to jumpstart our systems after a Tylenol PM induced three hours of sleep. Normally my interactions with Starbucks employees are pretty run of the mill. This was not one of those times. As the girl behind the counter began to punch our order into the register, it suddenly registered in her head that we were about to purchase a shitload of caffeine. I mean, I suppose I can see how this would be shocking; it's not like she works at a coffee sh…oh wait, I forgot that we were in STARBUCKS.

As soon as the words "you look" came out of her mouth, my friend pulled me out of the store, threw me in her car, and went back in to get our goods herself. It was a smart move. Just an FYI to people who work in coffee shops, don't tell your patrons that they look tired—that's why they're there in the first place.