Malaysia. Where's it at? Nobody knew two weeks ago, did they? But, we do now, don't we? Does that raise any red flags? What do we really know about Micronesia anyway? Could the country of Methuselah be using their missing jetliner as a clever ploy to attract financial interest in Central America or wherever it is? Could this be a hijacking of both a plane and the American public to try to teach them something about geography? Could we just tell Nancy Grace there was a white pre-teen girl on the plane and let her flesh out the rest?
"I was a little white girl once, too, you know."
Listen, if you're like me, you sometimes tell terrible jokes. What do you call a Chinese woman sitting at home on a Friday night watching Star Wars? Han Solo. You also have a lot of questions. What are questions anyway? Questions are like babies: they only come when there's no period. What does a period denote? A statement. What are statements made through major and minor news outlets? Unfalsifiable, unverifiable, unequivocal facts.
Here are some facts about what experts are speculating about the phantom Air Malaysia flight.
4. We're all extras in the next J.J. Abrams-directed TV drama.
In the YouTube comments section of the "Best Nip Slips of Comic-Con 2012", convoluted plotline expert allisLOST88—allisLOST through allisLOST87 all met an untimely Mountain Dew Livewire-infused death—wrote: "Dood this stuff is so trippy!" And Dood, it is. Maybe we're the passengers and the plane is the planet. After all, they're spelled pretty similarly. The passengers destroyed the plane—wait, no maybe we're the plane..and…and there's no pilot! We're just spiraling downward in a rudderless existence to our inevitable deaths.
No! No! Wait! Maybe there's a hot supporting actress on the plane and the rest of the passengers and crew are gay men and it examines the futility of our relationships? Maybe the gay pilots were being all gay in the cockpit (pun)and there was a localized hurricane, causing the plane to rapidly descend, signifying the decline of Judeo-Christian morality because this whole scenario is ACTUALLY happening in the amygdala of a middle-aged man in Kentucky named Bill Jenkins.
3. Suicidal sky pirates.
Look, the plane took a deliberate, highly-skilled left turn. That rules out Derek Zoolander. Who doesn't it rule out? Everyone else.
A local expert on piracy, who has seen Pirates of the Caribbean three times, but admittedly hasn't seen the last few movies in the franchise and definitely isn't my little sister, answered our plea for any information via SMS: "Pirates can def hijack ships. idk if they can fly planes tho. mom says feed the cats."
So if it can't be sea pirates, who could it be? Sky pirates… skyrates. The plane took a westward turn and according to the graphic above, Somalia, a pirate bunker, is only like, a few inches away. Why didn't the plane make it? Well, what else is in Somalia? Poor kids. Poverty, death, destruction, the daily, routine and institutionalized death as opposed to an improbable event where a marginal amount of people likely perished that has the luxury of marketability. Who wouldn't be a little down? Wouldn't that be a motive for someone to hijack a commercial airliner for ransom, then lose faith in humanity and crash it into the ocean defeating the purpose of hijacking a commercial airliner for ransom?
Argh, matey! Is life really worth living?
2. Crashed by self-aware asylum seekers.
Stolen passports. Why is that frightening? Because I'm a paranoid schizophrenic and the passports have razor-sharp incisors and a personal vendetta against me. Who gets stolen passports? Who cares. Where did they want to take them? To asylum. Who goes to asylums? Crazy people. What do crazy people not know? That they're crazy; stay with me.
Now what would happen if a crazy person had the discernment in introspection to objectively appraise his or her sanity and deemed himself or herself insane? They would fucking go crazy and crash a plane into an ocean.
I'm currently sitting an institution for mental health collecting data and I bet you wouldn't believe what you'd hear if these walls could talk. Wait, they can. Fuck. I'm a paranoid schiz….already told you.
1. A conspiracy by militant climate scientists.
There have been rumors that tragedies have been exploited for corporate or political gain in this country even though we all know it wouldn't have crashed if it were a Chevy Boeing 777 and planes only crash in gun-free zones. However, could a group with an insidious and dangerous political agenda based on something as nefarious as empirical evidence and objective inquiry be behind the entire ordeal? Sounds like it could be true. Maybe an agenda so perfidious and selfish as the protecting the environment and maximizing the longevity of humanity on this planet long after those people are gone? I'm sold.
A prime suspect.
At the point of writing this article, they hadn't found any remnants of the plane, but they had found a lot of debris in the ocean that wasn't a plane. Good play, pocket-protecting, thermosphere geeks. We asked a local man who goes to McDonald's every morning for $1 coffee to sit and talk about the weather with other esteemed men of his trade what he thought about global warming: "Well, I had a cold yesterday, so I suppose it's not getting any warmer."
You hear that, weather dweebs? A cold. Global warming is a complete hoax; go blow a whale.
Remember, be afraid; trust no one. Wait, that means you shouldn't even trust me. What do I have to gain from this? Undue attention at my grandiose delusions of relevance in my pseudo-expertise that detracts from the people who are actually mourning the loss of friends and family? Maybe we don't have the answers you're look for at PIC, but we have speculation, and that qualifies as news.