Thank you so kindly for what I assume is a forthcoming invitation to your Friday evening soiree. It is with deepest apologies, soberest regret, and widest emotions that I must inform you I will not be able to attend, however.
It certainly has been quite some time since I have had the privilege of your company! I remember well our last afternoon stroll through the town square. I laid my overcoat across a shallow puddle so you could continue without muddying your very favorite faux leather second-hand-market boots. Of course, it all seems silly now, considering it was merely a foot in diameter and you stepped around it, not to mention dry cleaning for coats costs practically a day's wage, but I simply could not bear the sweaty burden of continuing to don an overcoat in 85 degree weather anyway. Your confused eye rolls made it all worth it though, and when you trailed off “What the….” I immediately knew you took me for an adorable fool.
Since that day, it has been difficult to track your whereabouts, especially since the rains have subsided and I can no longer distinguish your boot tracks from those of the other women in town. The last time I pursued what seemed like a convincing lead, I ended up in the den of a local brothel. As it turns out, boots are also popular footwear among our town's comeliest night workers. They did not take kindly to my inquisitions about where to find the town's most beautiful woman in faux leather boots, but on the bright side, I did take the opportunity during my subsequent visit to Sheriff Godfrey's office to rustle up your telephone information.
Should this letter not make it to you by tomorrow's festivities, I will also compose a text communication to you at noon. And just to be sure your portable communicator is on, I will journey to your home two hours after nightfall to remind you to plug it in before you take your slumber.
Gently and fondly,
Sir William Solomon IV
P.S. The “Sir” is silent, in case we see each other in public.
P.P.S. I followed your acquaintance to the library and after her departure from the public card catalog machine, her Facebook remained open, so it is understandable you have not yet extended your event invitation to me personally. I am no stranger to this “secret admirer” phase of courtship, and as one of the few young ladies I have not received a “cease and desist” from through our county magistrate, I will continue to text communicate you more passionately every day for a year.
P.P.P.S. You have not responded to my Poke yet.
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