Why is dandruff such an embarrassing social problem? As body parts go, the human head isn't considered particularly nasty, nor is a full head of hair. Yet when the visible presence of dead material from this area is detected, even from the perfectly shaped head of a supermodel with beautiful hair, we are immediately disgusted and repeled. Anywhere else on the body, dry skin is met with a pleasantly casual remark like, “Here, I have some moisturizer you can borrow.”

My most embarrassing misconception ever (that wasn't an abortion): I always thought penguins were as tall as humans. There's never anything in Antarctica to reference their size! All those textbook photos of penguins and all you normally see are city-sized glaciers and icebergs in the background, how the fuck was I supposed to know? Only when they came to the Atlanta Zoo did I realize I could squash one with my bare foot. But I think it's fair to say I'll always have an overly healthy respect for penguins in a fight.

When we were 16 and loved to drive fast, we used to joke that there's no such thing as getting a ticket for acceleration. So we treated every light like a drag race. I'm pretty sure I wore through more tires from 16-18 years old than I did the rest of my life combined.

Guys, is it weird to call out a girl's name while you're masturbating?

I want an unofficial copy of my college transcript for fun and informational purposes, but it's only available via snail mail request and $4 fee. So I put $4 worth of nickels and dimes in the envelope and three extra stamps to cover the resulting increased postage weight. I think they'll be surprised to discover I majored in economics.

I have the opposite problem as most people: I always hit “Reply,” even when I want to “Reply to all.” This makes for a very awkward, “Umm, sorry, I didn't mean to engage you personally in conversation… this was actually for the whole group. Uhh, maybe I'll… phone you someday and we can chat? Probably not though, I'm pretty busy entertaining AUDIENCES.”

One of my trivial editor's pet peeves is when people submit an article to PIC with the subject “Potential submission for Points in Case.” Are people aware that as soon as they hit send, the article becomes a submission? The smartass in me wants to set up an auto-reply to emails with this exact subject that instantly replies, “Congratulations, your article has reached its full submission potential! Thanks, Court.”

I want to start “the most annoying chain letter ever” that's just a bunch of pictures and descriptions of people wearing god awful chains, like rappers, priests, and guidos. If you don't add at least one link to the chain letter within 30 minutes (a link to a picture of an annoying chain) then something terrible will happen to your neck in the next year.

I like to participate in “sleep foreplay.” That's when I try to stave off sleep as long as possible once I've gotten into bed. The best thing about sleep foreplay is that the climax is usually 7-8 hours long.