Have you seen that commercial for OnStar where a woman calls in saying she locked her keys in her car? Obviously in a rare bind, she grabs her cell phone, calls OnStar, and the operator says, “NO PROBLEMO! I can unlock it for you right now!” Then, not surprisingly, the woman replies, “You can? Wow.” Why wow? Because you're not supposed to give any random person standing in front of a car with a cell phone access to the car!

Next time you wanna test out the realistic accuracy of this exchange, stand in front of an SUV with OnStar and call 1-888-4-ONSTAR. If they let you in, give me a call and we can tailgate until the owner gets back. Everyone knows SUV owners are pussies.

Surely you've seen that ridiculous Brinks Home Security commerical by now. You know, the one where the husband kisses his lonely, hot housewife goodbye, leaves the house for work, smiles at a jogger on his way out, then the jogger morphs into “Creepy Black Hoodie Rapist,” takes a short run at the door, kicks it open and scares the wife, who then receives a stern but reassuring phone call from the biggest male douchebag operator in telephone history saying “This is Scott from Brinks home security, ARE YOU OK?”

First of all, any half-witted criminal isn't going to make eye contact in broad daylight with the owner of the house he's about to burglarize. Second, criminals don't wear hoodies – it's just too cliche. And third, if someone can kick in your front door, you don't need a home security system, you need a deadbolt, or, failing that, a ripped pool boy to stand guard/fuck your brains out at all times.

Before you get OnHome, quick daps to our two newest PIC staffers:

Jake Christie's blog Revenge of the News is a hilarious extension of his Tuesday Newsday brainchild. Read his take on Larry Craig's actual super-gay interview with police. (Jake's also been writing frontpagers for PIC since you were in high school.)

J.M. “Tyrone” Lucci's new column Fringe Benefits debuts this Wednesday with, appropriately enough, a backstory/parable about how he got his nickname. Tyrone's responsible for PIC classics like “Friday, As Decided By Your Organs” and “Love is a Battlefield“.

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