There are political flubs, metaphors gone wrong, and quotes taken out of context, and it's usually silly to overindulge them. And then there's Romney's, “We don't have people that become ill, who die in their apartment because they don't have insurance.” And it's hard to know what to do with that information, ya know? It's like, I'm glad people aren't getting ill because they don't have something. But do most people have apartments? If not, did they rent or buy? And what is insurance exactly? Can you buy it online or does it require leaving the apartment? Is anyone getting ill outside of their own apartment? Does someone have that person's spare key so they bring them back a can of chicken noodle soup? What about sudden death? I've heard of that in sports before, but do the players have to get ill first? I think it would be cool to float around in Mitt Romney's mind, if nothing else for the hors d'oeuvres.

There's something else I've been meaning to address, and that's the American Public. I mean, whatta you have to do to get an audience around here, run for president?

Every time I cut open a fruit or veggie and scrape out the seeds, I think of the time Nathan DeGraaf told me it's a government conspiracy—that seeds are actually good for us, but only the rich and powerful know that, and they want to keep the masses from becoming smarter or healthier. I really want to believe this and leave all the seeds in, but at the same time they do sorta ruin the taste/texture. So I usually compromise and leave a few in. That way I feel undecidedly middle class.

Every time I read a media article that attempts to paint a drunk driver in a negative light by saying, “His blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit,” I think to myself, “Well that's not so bad.” I feel confident Nate thinks exactly the same thing on this one.

My friend lost her iPad on a rural bus while traveling in Thailand. Can you imagine being a poor kid in a developing country and finding an iPad on a bus? That's gotta be the nicest dinner plate that kid will ever use in their life. We're talkin' grade A iPad Thai.

TV analysts should never use the word “interesting” when describing an occurrence. I hear this all the time when people struggle to find the right words to elaborate on something. For instance, whenever a sports analyst discussing an upcoming game sums up their analysis with, “Well, it's going to be an interesting matchup, that's for sure,” I just want to rip that tiny microphone off their suit jacket and shove it so deep into their ear that they have to hear their own stupid thoughts echo in their skull for the rest of their lives. You're an ANALYST, you are literally paid to replace the same thought every middle American has before a game (“Well this should be interesting”) with accurate and/or colorful description. “It's interesting you say that, Jim, this should be very interesting. It's an interesting decision they've made, and I'm interested in how this will turn out. My interest level is so high right now the Fed is literally trying to bring me down, which would be a very interesting scenario, given the interest in interest right now.”