Dear Diary,

I haven't posted in so long because I just got out of the hospital.  I was in there 1 week!

It all started when my moron brother Dwayne busted me in his room reading his diary!  He then kicked my ass…which is why I was in the hospital.

I did however manage to read some of his diary before he caught me.  So out of revenge, I've posted it below for the ENTIRE WORLD TO READ!

 

———————————————–

Dear Diary,                                       June 12th, 1997

 

Out of all my friends, I've finally become the head babysitter in my neighborhood.

RESPECT!

Took 8 months but all the major families call me first to see if I'm available. 

They call me Mr. Saturday!

And yes, my friends are jealous. Especially, my best bud Ronnie.  That guy can suck it!

I love babysitting The Miller's.  They have the best couch for me to stick my dick into.  Nice velvet feels good.

I've been fucking couches for 3 months now.  Discovered it when one night over at The Benson's, I got horny and randomly thought to push my penis between the crack of two cushions.  I did it and it felt okay.

I've experienced many different types of couches since then.  The best are the soft velvet kind.  Leather is the worst.  I remember one time my penis was sore from the friday night I babysat when the next night I was over at The Peter's.  They have the leather.  For some reason, I knew before it was going to hurt but I was so horny, I fucked it anyway.  The dry friction killed me.

Now all my friends are trying it!

Sometimes, I wish I didn't tell them about it. I guess it doesn't really matter though, because as head babysitter, I get options of which family I want to babysit for on Saturday.  Obviously, it's The Miller's who have the best couch.  Their kids are the worst but once they are in bed…it's showtime!

Ronnie always gets my sloppy seconds!

 

 

 

 (Dwayne at prom)

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.