Hey Tiger Woods' wife, how are you?! How is everything?! How's Tiger doin'?! Didn't he get arm surgery or something a year ago?!

Oh my God, what?! He what?! A car accident?! On Thanksgiving?!

A tree was drunk driving?! You what?! Haha say that again?! You had to use a golf club to get him out?! Ohmigod that's hilarious!

Oh, I'm sorry, it's just…it's really ironic, you know?! He does golf for a living, you know?! I guess it's not funny, I guess it's a serious situation. I hope he's okay. Wait, you were hitting him in the face with a golf club, not using it to free him from his SUV?!

May I ask why you were hitting him in the face?! He's been cheating on you?! Who…what's her name?! More like what's THEIR name?! How do you even have sex 29 times in one day?! While wearing a Zebra-striped Snuggie?! And he filmed it too?! The size of a golf club?! A pornstar?! Why yes, actually, I'm extremely familiar with Joslyn James' work.

Oh my God I feel so terrible!

And like WHY would he do that, you know?! Why would he do that when you're so beautiful?!

You're so beautiful, Tiger Woods' wife.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo what are you doing Thursday night?

What I am about to say is going to sound crazy. But you have to trust me on this. You have to listen to me because I know what I am talking about and I want what is best for you.

You're probably feeling a lot of anger, hurt, and shock. You must not bottle up these feelings. Let out your emotions. Don't hold back.

The only way to get back at Tiger is to have sex with a random white college kid from the middle of Wisconsin.

It will make you feel a lot better. Although I'm sure half of that billion dollars wouldn't hurt, either. 

So how about you and me go on the 6,500 square foot Woods family yacht?  I'll give you a massage and we'll see where it goes from there. Here's a hint about where it will go: me banging you in the yacht's movie theater as we float through the ocean.