Hi. Okay, so there's a new show on MTV called Skins. I haven't masturbated to seen it yet, but apparently it has teens doing lots of bad things. Like fucking each other and shit. Sounds hot. Sounds like something you'd eat Taco Bell and watch, right?

MTV Skins show pulls Taco Bell ads from program

Fucking WRONG. Taco Bell decided to pull their ads from Skins. Apparently, Skins is beneath Taco Bell. Apparently Taco Bell doesn't want their garbage associated with that garbage.

According to Taco Bell himself, "We've decided the show is not a fit for our brand" blah blah blah. What's a fit for the Taco Bell brand? So You Think You Can Be A Midget? Made: I Want To Become A Midget? Teen Midget Mom?

When did Taco Bell become my dad? Yes, like everyone, sometimes in the past while hungry I've wished my dad was a Cheesy Gordita Crunch from time to time, but just because I've wanted my dad to be Taco Bell before doesn't mean I've wanted Taco Bell to be my dad.

Who is Taco Bell to get all high and mighty, and preachy for that matter? Taco Bell is like the back alley of fast food. Taco Bell is literally the abortion clinic of restaurants.

I don't want advice from Taco Bell. In fact, communication with Taco Bell is a one-way street. I am so ashamed when I go to Taco Bell, not to mention the fact that most of their employees barely qualify as creatures, that I don't look them in the eye when ordering and I expect them not to look at me or say anything to me. I say my order, I get my food, I shove it down my throat, end of story. 

I can't count how many times I've seen a childbirth inside of a Taco Bell. Sometimes it's in the eating cage, sometimes it's in the kitchen, regardless, you might refrain from calling it the miracle of life, but still, a baby comes out of a vagina.

Other things I've seen inside of Taco Bells: Grandmas shooting up (actually, that's presumptuous for me to say they were grandmas, but they were old ladies), gangbanging (both kinds), janitors making food in a filled dirty mop bucket, a man in a suit pouring peanut butter and jelly over the body of a naked man, two koalas fighting each other, someone who looked like Barack Obama but really could've been any black male, more rapes than I can count, every single bodily fluid coming out of every single hole of every type of different person you can imagine and some you can't, a man breastfeeding a full grown child while dressed as a baby, and Justin Bieber getting a blowjob.

If I go inside a Taco Bell and I DON'T see a full-fledged orgy happening, that's when I know something is wrong. You can see every single sex act that exists over the course of a week and a half at your local Taco Bell.  

And that's not to mention things the "food" I've received, which have included tortilla and meat mixed with tampons, used Magnum condoms, thumbtacks, steak knives, rusty used pocket knives, bloody Kleenexes, snotty Kleenexes, diapers, leaky batteries, pennies, and what appeared to be the heart of some kind of small animal. But Mountain Dew Baja Blast is a good soda. 

One time I ordered a burrito and it was just a baby wrapped in paper and then I had to raise it. Thems the rules.

Have you ever gone to Taco Bell at 2am on a Saturday or Friday? It is the very worst of human culture. You will see crazy things. The Dalai Lama would kill himself, or at the very least, never be able to find peace again, if he went into a Taco Bell on the weekend and saw the circus. Do your repressed feelings of hatred for the world a favor and go inside a Taco Bell on one of those nights, if you haven't. There will be more semen and used Band-Aids in your taco then there are black kids in Africa, and you will see things and people you can never un-see, but… well, there's not really a bright side to this.

THAT is who's telling you what you can or can't watch. That. What next? Are they gonna spout Bible verses at me as I shove their food down my throat while wasted, stumbling and pissing all over their restaurant?

I can't even fathom the thought of eating Taco Bell sober, and now they're telling me what to watch? Screw you, Taco Bell. Where did your funny commercials go? It's been a couple months, though, don't you think?

Taco Bell should embrace the fact they reresent the very bottom of society. Skins is a match made in Heaven for Taco Bell. Although, if there's Taco Bells in Heaven, I don't wanna go there. Unless I'm really drunk. Then YES GOD YES GIVE ME 3 HALF-POUND CHEESY BEAN AND RICE BURRITOS AND 12 HARD SHELL TACOS WITH SOUR CREAM FOR HERE PLEASE, BITCH.