Wow, it's almost like there's no economic uncertainty, the country isn't in huge debt, the divide between the rich and poor isn't bigger than it's ever been, and global warming isn't slowly killing us all with news like this. I'm neither Democract nor Republican, but I think we can all agree on two things: One, the country is falling apart (or everyone is acting like it is). Two, all this news about molesting and sex and statutory rape is super fun.

Justin Bieber and Herman Cain morphOf course I'm talking about Herman "Pizza Rape" Cain and Justin "Black in a Past Life" Bieber. (We'll ignore the Penn State stuff 'cause that's pretty disgusting and there's very little humor in that (although apparently there was a TON of humor in the subject when it was priests doing it.) 

In case you haven't heard, presidential candidate Herman Cain, a black guy who must be running on the platform that he's blacker than the current president, has recently been found to to be fond of fondling women. But, you know, like against their will. Sometimes it's other things besides fondling, but the man just straight up has a tendency to sexually molest women. Can't hold it against him. Isn't sex addiction a disease?

Really, though, how do you not get the hint when a woman wants nothing to do with you? How are all these famous people this stupid? Brett Favre, Anthony Weiner, Ben Roethlisberger, the list goes on. (Or rather, it would if I could remember any more examples.)

The point is, had it gotten to the rape level, Cain would have been polite enough to wear a condom (unlike a certain teen hearthrob we'll get to later) cause that's the goddamn gentlemanly, presidential thing to do when you're coercing someone to have sex with you in exchange for a job for a pizza company.

Also, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. We don't know Cain's history or what's running through his head. Maybe he was lured into sexual intercourse as payment by a pizza delivery guy as a kid. Maybe he has a bet with his friends to see who can sexually harass the most women. Maybe he thinks the fastest way to a woman's heart is through date rape.

Plus, he doesn't remember meeting her! Herman Cain was quoted as saying he doesn't remember meeting the 4th accuser. You heard it here, first, folks! If he doesn't remember it, it didn't happen!

All this almost makes you forget about the 9-9-9 plan, am I right?

I really enjoy how he's slowly just completely fucking it up. This always happens. The celebrity denies it when it's first brought up, then more evidence and stories and people surface, showing that this person is a total sexual deviant (and not even smart about it), and pretty soon you regret ever considering giving this person your vote/emulating their golf swing/watching Never Say Never five times.

He is making the CLASSIC mistake of thinking nothing else is going to come of this and it won't eventually be found out that he harassed like 20 women or something, some of them with promises of slices of pizza. More women always come forward. Doesn't this guy remember Tiger Woods? Yet it always starts with clueless ignorance. He's gone from being like, "What is sexual harassment? I don't even know what that means" to "Yeah, we paid a woman tens of thousands of dollars as a sexual harassment settlement, but who doesn't?" It's only a matter of days before it's, "I'm so fucking sorry, it was more of a Rape Warehouse than a Godfather's Pizza, can I still be president?"

Herman Cain: He had a job so delicious it qualifies him to be president. You know if Herman Cain can get a company to deliver a pizza in 30 minutes or less, he can get a country to fix its abortion problem in 30 years or less, right? So remember to separate the dick from the man. If he could run a business while fiddling chicks on the side and not getting thrown in jail, well that just takes skills. It shows he is smart and sneaky enough to be President of the United States of America. 

One more thing before we move on to Biebs. Two weeks ago, you didn't know who Herman Cain was. Nobody's really following this presidential race closely, it's in the early stages and we as Americans hate the government and politics. There's still like 8 major candidates who only MIGHT be president. I bet you don't even know 4 of their names. I don't. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, think of all the people Herman Cain molested who don't know yet he's running for president.

There is one bright side to all this: Herman Cain's numbers with sexual molesters are WAY UP.  

Herman Cain needs to do the sensitive thing here: STOP sexually harassing women, starting…now. Wait, starting NOW.  

On to Part 2. In case you haven't heard, Justin Bieber (who needs no introduction but is the young, creamy-skinned pop star with the voice of a prepubescent angel) FUCKED a girl with no condom in the Staples Center and is supposedly the father of her baby. But enough about Justin Bieber's penis. (Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that…) 

Four words I never imagined would be in the same sentence: "Justin Bieber" and "paternity test." He is being sued by his baby mama for, I don't know, drug money or something. If anything, it's surprising Justin Bieber doesn't have hundreds of thousands of little Justin Biebers running around—he easily could. There haven't been this many rabid fans and giggling, in-love girls since the Beatles. Justin Bieber could have sex with anyone he wanted to under the age of 18.

If it was just some nutcase, the lawuit would be dismissed and Justin Bieber wouldn't even comment on it. Instead, he makes the first mistake everyone, including Herman Cain, do when presented with a true allegation: they lie and deny. Then more evidence trickles out, or more women come forward, and the star is forced to beg for forgiveness even though they just fuckin' lied to your face, Bromerica.

The fact is, Justin Bieber is scared. He's dating one of the cutest chicks ever, and this could ruin that along with his perfect reputation, fame, and millions of dollars. He has the most to lose out of anyone in the world, probably. He could have sex with chicks every hour of every day for the rest of his life, and if he doesn't, he's an idiot and he's going to regret it so much. When he's 30 and creepy, he's going to kick himself in his hairless balls for not having sex with literally a million girls, which is easily what he could do. But he made a mistake, which isn't really a mistake so much as it is a logical decision that every single guy wants to make: he didn't wear a condom. Condoms are the worst and should be outlawed. Congress should forget all this other nonsense they do and work on finding more alternatives. Or every girl should just take birth control, I don't know.

If I was Justin Bieber, which I basically am, I would hold a press conference and say, "Yes, I banged that chick after a concert without a rubber. And I'm NOT gonna pay child support because I'm broke." Bieber needs to admit and BRAG about this. He isn't the manliest guy. This would change it all. If he really did fuck this girl without a condom, I have soooo much more respect for him. 

But he's not going to do that. Justin Bieber is gonna do the smart thing, because he's home-schooled, so he's super smart. He's gonna have someone else sperm in a cup for him, the test will come back negative, and no one will be the wiser…until that kid hits 4 and starts singing like a fuckin' angel. 

Like I said before, when it rains, it pours. In a week it will be a different girl coming forward claiming Justin Bieber got her drunk and coked up and butt banged her in his tour van while Usher taped it.

Or hell, maybe he had sex with an 18-year-old girl while he was just getting famous and didn't even know what age of consent meant, in a Godfather's Pizza. I mean those places are practically rape warehouses with an oven, haven't you heard?