Dear Susan Logan, editor of Cat Fancy Magazine,
I have been a subscriber to Cat Fancy since spring 1987 when Hen “The Cat Lady” Tirr was editor. Since then, I have been delighted to read the #1 cat-related magazine for both its educational and entertainment values. I often read them out loud with my cats Scribbles and Nathan (Nantucket passed away this year). There’s nothing better in life than cuddling up in my living room with my two cats and my Cat Fancy magazines. Nothing.
So you can imagine how deeply and utterly devastated I was when I walked down to my mailbox this afternoon, reached inside and pulled out this abomination:
Take a good long look above. Can you imagine the shock I received when I discovered this in my mailbox? Why would I receive Dog Fancy magazine when I’m a Cat Fancy subscriber? Tell me that. But even stranger, why did I receive the summer 2009 issue? It’s 2011, Susan. Is this some kind of sick joke?
I ran back inside (hiding the magazine from Scribbles and Nathan) and immediately called up Cat Fancy’s customer support to see if they could help me out with the horrible situation. But do you know what they told me? They said my subscription to Cat Fancy had been cancelled. CANCELLED! Not only that, but it had been replaced – that’s right, REPLACED – with Dog Fancy as of June 7, 2011.
I don't know what's going on here. I feel like I'm in an episode of the Twilight Zone. Scribbles and Nathan are looking at me funny. They're meowing in that way that almost sounds like a human voice. They know it's Cat Fancy reading time. There's no way I'll read Dog Fancy to them, they'll claw at my face and shins!
I am so MAD at your subscription department right now. Why would a Cat Fancy subscriber since 1987 up and decide to cancel her subscription out of the blue, and why would that same loyal subscriber choose to replace it with Dog Fancy, the complete opposite of everything Cat Fancy stands for? Either I'm suffering from Alzheimer's and forgot what I did, or MAYBE somebody is trying to ruin my life!
Oh! And of all the issues to send me, too! What filth! Flatulence, theft, “human” dogs: are these typical dog topics of discussion? Is this the kind of filth they purvey at Dog Fancy magazine? If so, it certainly confirms my feelings towards dogs and dog owners. It's just like them to celebrate obnoxious behavior.
I guess the real question I need answered is: Did anyone in the subscription department realize how much I hate dogs??? Maybe if they knew that in the first place, they wouldn’t have cancelled my Cat Fancy and given me Dog Fancy by mistake. (It was a mistake, right?)
Susan, you need to fiix this mess before it barrels out of control. You wouldn't want me to subscribe to Cats and Kittens would you? Just look into your heart and do the right thing. From one cat lover to another, please reinstate my Cat Fancy subscription, don’t ever mail me Dog Fancy ever again and send a condolence gift package to Scribbles and Nathan (F.Y.I. – they prefer Big Poon's Very Best Catnip)
I appreciate your swift response,
P.S. I threw that copy of Dog Fancy you sent me into my garbage, because that’s where it belongs: THE GARBAGE!
P.S.S. Scribbles and Nathan say "Hi."