Student loan debt is something to which any college student can relate. By the time most of us graduate (or drop out, or flunk out), we will be in a fantastically ridiculous amount of debt. There are two schools of thought when it comes to paying back student loans: School A consists of people who get jobs, and use said jobs to accumulate some form of currency, then use said currency to pay back their student loans. This school is also known as "School of a Bunch of Chumps."
School B, or "School of Shitty Credit" follows the reasoning that, if you don't pay student loans, you don't have to pay student loans. While this line of thinking seems logical to the average lazy-ass who would rather spend their money on the necessities of life (read: beer and hookers) then give it to some fat-cat banker, this school tends to have a lot of trouble getting bank loans, which can make life kinda difficult.
So, as a public service to those of us who don't like the negative consequences of School B but don't want to be a square like members of School A, I present to you a solution: School C (or as I like to call it, School B's sexy sister who totally puts out and doesn't shoot you down in front of your friends by calling you a loser like that bitch Michelle. But I digress).
This epiphany came to me when I realized that most banks and government institutions which grant student loans have overlooked the greatest loophole in world history: they don't make dead people pay back their student loans! Now I know what you're thinking: "Jaret, you magnificent bastard! I will now kill myself, which will work to eliminate my student loan debt and grant me a one-way ticket to Easy Street."
This was my idea until I realized one glaring flaw: you have to be dead in order for this to work, and who wants that? If you answered "Not me!" then we are kindred spirits. After this idea, I came up with a couple that involved reincarnation and one that basically followed the plot of Back to the Future II except with a death certificate instead of a sports almanac. These were both ruled to be spectacular failures. At this point, I took a break to watch Back to the Future II, but after that, I came up with the greatest idea ever: Fake your own death.
That's right folks, you trick people into thinking you are dead to get rid of that ridiculous amount of student loan debt, then you actually remain alive, which allows you to party and have sex with girls (or guys if you are a girl or homo)! It is the greatest plan since communism, and since that really only works in theory, that would make faking your own death the greatest plan ever by default!
So for those of you who are intrigued by the possibilities of School C, I present to you a step-by-step guide for faking one's death:
1. Get a Corpse
If people are going to believe that you are dead, they are going to need some proof. I tried just starting a rumor that I was dead, and hardly anyone in my immediate family, much less in the government agency responsible for my student debt, bought it. So you need a corpse. To get a corpse, you can go the clichéd route and dig one up in the cemetery or rob a morgue, but that is for soft-core death-fakers.
The best way to get a corpse is to find someone who you really dislike and kill them. Ideally, they should be roughly your size and preferably the same sex, but these are both optional. By the time you are done dressing the corpse up, it will leave little doubt in the minds of anybody that it is you.
2. Dress Up Said Corpse
Remember, just because you disappear and people find a corpse does not guarantee that the authorities will immediately assume you are dead. You have to make sure that they think it is you. To do this, dress the corpse up in your clothes. Nothing will make that asshole who ratted you out for cheating on your Intro to Statistics final look more like you than your favorite "Professional Beaver Impaler" t-shirt.
Also, it helps if the corpse is wearing a name tag with your name on it. If you do not have a name tag, just write your name all over the corpse's shirt so that everyone will know that it is you.
3. Put Your Shit in Storage
When you fake die, you can still use all of the valuable shit you accumulated as a student: the computer, the car, the boxes and boxes of pornographic material. To keep this stuff without anyone being the wiser, simply stage a robbery of your home. This is especially great if you live with your parents, since you can steal their shit as well. Now put all of this stuff in storage somewhere, and you can come back and get it when everyone thinks you are dead.
4. Stage Fiery Death of Corpse
This is the key to the whole faking death plan: the faking of death. I suggest a fiery death because there is a good chance that the corpse does not look anything like you, even with the dressing you did in step 2. Fire also eliminates the need for step 2, and skipping steps is the key to efficiency.
One great way to achieve this is by putting two corpses in your car, one male and one female, than pushing the car off of the cliff at Dead Man's Curve on the way to Make-Out Point. The fiery wreckage will destroy the corpses and everyone will think you are dead. Plus, all your buddies will think that you died taking some slut to Make-Out Point for intercourse of a sexual nature, and that is awesome.
Now, there is still one problem to this stage: dental records. Dental records have been the bane of the death-fakers existence since the dawn of, well, dental records. To get around this, I suggest simply yanking the teeth out of the corpse before pushing the car off of the cliff. Then, to explain the lack of teeth, simply spray-paint pentagrams all around the car. On discovering the missing teeth, the grizzled police chief will simply shake his head and mutter, "Those crazy Satanists, always stealing corpse teeth!"
5. Get Plastic Surgery
Let's face it, you are no prize. You could totally use it. Oh, yeah, and people might recognize you if you don't change your face.
6. Really Sell It
Just because you have gotten out of paying back student loans does not mean you can go and tell your friends and loved ones that you are actually alive. You spread it around to too many people that you are still walking amongst the living and the jig will be up. This was a damn good jig, so why are you fucking it up?
To ensure you don't get caught breathing, I suggest constantly wearing white corpse paint and carrying around those ninja smoke bombs. This way, if one of your friends recognizes you despite your plastic surgery, you can throw down a smoke bomb, tell them that you have come back as a ghost to stop them from banging your sister, then disappear into the night (or day, as the case may be).
There you have it, the perfect plan to avoid paying off student loans. But what does the new you do now as a debt-free and much younger looking person? You got it, go back to college. Apparently, that degree you got when you graduated went the way of your student loans anyway.